When is the Right Time?

A younger cousin posted a comment the other day about the Boston Bruin hockey player declining an invitation to the White House amidst his protest of "the times". I agreed with her sentiment... that it was bad form for the guy to stay behind... on the basis that "there is a time to speak one's mind, and a time to pull up your big boy pants and do the uncomfortable thing you don't want to do..." But it begs the question... "When is the right time?" Or, "Is now the right time to speak my mind?"

This is not a pefect calculus. There have been many times... perhaps the odd CLM ("Career Limiting Moment")... that I have regretted speaking up. Not that my point was not valid, but that the time and place were not appropriate. My sense is that it is always a good thing to understand my "truth"... that is, my opinion, belief, assessment, understanding, or "what I make it mean." But it's not necessarily always good to speak it out. Sometimes restraint is in order.

Years ago, I heard a quote that might fit here... "they will care what you know when they know that you care." I've taken that to mean, "focus first on relationship and then the sharing of knowledge or opinion will follow naturally." My experience is that when I focus first on the relationship, the desire for authenticity and ability to remain curious over becoming defensive increases. And, perhaps that's what it takes for people that are in disagreement to come together... a mutual desire to be in relationship and a desire for authenticity.

We live in a polarized world. My desire is to come together with people of differences and to seek relationship first, trusting that as growth occurs what appeared to be hard at first will become easy.

Onward!

V

Two Good Questions for a New Year

Sometimes the best things in life are the simplest.

Question #1: "What's working well?"

It's a great place to start because it shifts my mind to appreciation over fear or other emotions. It focuses my mind on what I have as opposed to what I don't have. To help me break it down, I'll ask some "sub-questions"...
-What's working well mentally? Physically? Spiritually? Relationally?
-What's working well in my work? In my personal life? In my living situation?

If I'm honest with myself, there are always a lot of things in my life working well. So, I like to stop and think about those things... and then,

Question #2: "What Could be Better?"

Pretty simple. And, to help me dig, I can ask:
-Where do I see opportunity for improvement or growth?
-Where am I experiencing dissatisfaction?

Sometimes I'll assign a "satisfaction score" of 0 (low) to 10 (high) to the various parts of my life. Anything scored less than an "8" begs the question... "What would be happening in this area of my life to score an 8?"

These two simple questions begin the process of strategic thinking necessary to set a plan in motion. There's likely more exploration in order, but it's a great place to start.

Happy New Year!
Vince

If I lost ten pounds...

One of my favorite questions is... "What is it you complain about changing but never do?" It's a good question because it launches a series of other good questions that sometimes result in change!

The most common response is "I complain about my weight and say I want to lose ten pounds" or something like that... especially around the holidays. What is it about weight loss that is so difficult that it has created a multi-billion dollar industry?

So, at this time of year, many of us willingly jump into the grasp of the multi-billion dollar weight loss or health and fitness industry. We generally make new commitments to eat less and exercise more.

Before we do that though, perhaps it would be good to get to the root of what we make our weight mean. It's surprising what I hear on that one...

"Losing that weight would mean that I could set a goal and achieve it... which would challenge a belief I have about myself that says I'm no good at setting and achieving goals... which of course is ridiculous because I set and achieve goals all the time at work... but I learned that I'm not a good goal setter a long time ago when my grandmother told me so and that I really shouldn't worry too much about planning for the future and should just be happy in the moment... so in a way if I set a personal goal and achieve it I would be saying that my grandmother was wrong, which is hard because I really loved my grandmother... so... if I lose this weight it would be showing disrespect to my grandmother and I won't do that."

Yikes. I wonder what Grandma would have to say about all that? Or to bring it closer to home, What do you make your weight mean?

This journey is not always easy. Sometimes it invites us to face things we have been struggling with for years. And, perhaps, it is worth it.

Onward!

V

If you knew you couldn't fail...

One of my favorite questions with a new group is... "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" It's open-ended and brings up all kinds of responses...

"I'd get a PhD."

"I'd cure world hunger."

"I'd make sure everyone has the chance to travel internationally."

Really? No, it's not world hunger... but it might be a remarkable bit of peace making. Years ago, a good friend told me... "you can't hate someone you know"... and it stuck. My sense is that when we get out of our own comfortable and cozy place and people-group we see things differently. It takes some doing these days to get off the beaten track and interact with people that are... well... different. And, one of the things I've learned over the years is that we aren't all that different.

Tomorrow is a long travel day to Warsaw, Poland. I've just finished "The Zookeeper's Wife" and am in the middle of "Skeletons at the Feast" to get my head oriented. The Polish story has had some rough spots. I'm looking forward to seeing how the country has re-invented itself, to meeting up with some people from different backgrounds, to reflecting on the past and how it is informing the present and future.

It may mean foregoing a new toy or fancier car to make travel happen, but I think it's a worthwhile endeavor. The planes fly back and forth every day.

Onward!

V

Who Might Help You?

"It's really tough in the job market right now. Hard to connect."

"So, tell me how you have been trying to connect."

"Mostly on craigslist. Job boards. Electronic applications. That sort of thing."

"Who have you spoken to?"

"Well, it's hard to talk to anyone. No one who is hiring wants to talk."

"Hmm. I can see how you might create that story. It kind of supports your theory."

"Ouch."

"So, who have you spoken to? Who might help you?"

"I don't know."

"Well, when you don't know something, what do you do?"

"Find out."

"How?"

"By talking with someone."

"We're in a loop, aren't we?"

"Okay. Let me think. I know a lot of people. Let me think about who might want to help me."

"Great. What about the people your friends know? You know... it's not the people you know, but the people who know the people you know."

"Run that again?"

"We all know people. And, they like to help us because we're friends. But, it's the friends of our friends that really multiply the strength of our social network. Because, by helping us, they also are helping a friend. It's like a two-for-one deal. Very powerful."

"So, I could think about the people my friends know."

"Right. And, perhaps expand your definition of friend. Who were all the old people at your wedding? Do they care about you? Who do they know?"

"Wow. That kind of opens up the field."

"It sounds like you can connect with a lot of people. And the people you know care about you. And, they know a lot of people who might help you connect in the job market. So, what's your next step?"

And, on it goes.

(For more on the idea of the power of friends and "weak ties", check out Ethan Watters' "Urban Tribes")

How Should We Then Live?

Over the last couple weeks I’ve had too many friends of friends my age drop dead… a couple with no notice and a couple after lengthy illnesses. Then there is Steve Jobs. It all stirs the pot and raises the question for me…

“How should we then live?”

Life is precious. It is fleeting. It’s not a dress rehearsal. And, it’s easy to say… “live in the moment” or make statements like “stop to smell the flowers”… but it’s harder to define a specific strategy for how to live or define a target to shoot for. Perhaps the question is more about laying down a set of rails, principles, or guidelines, by which we navigate the onslaught of day to day decisions. Similar to “values” but with a little more teeth, or specificity, to help us make the decision of going left, or right, or more likely the ever so slight left or momentary veer to the right. My sense is our lives are lived in the bob and weave of the here and now. Achievement of some sort of change or progress then is only noticed when we stop and take a look back on the trail to see how we have in fact changed, or grown. All of which benefits from the time of reflection on the “how.” And, it seems like “how” I lived as a young dad or career professional morphs as I age and the chapter pages turn and the beliefs I held dear are questioned.

Nice reflections after a day at Thoreau's Walden Pond near Concord in Massachussets.

Onward!

V

(And, for more on the idea... consider reading Dr. Francis Schaeffer's "How Should We Then Live?" 50th Anniverary edition. 2005. Crossway Publishing, Wheaton, Illinois.

I'm Not Mad!

When someone tells me what they are "not"... there is a very good chance that it is, in fact, exactly what they are. This almost always comes up in conversations around anger.

What is it about our polite society that says "anger is bad?" I'll concede that hitting someone over the head with a baseball bat while in a state of rage is bad. But, all anger? Not in my world.

When I feel angry and I say that I am not angry, I am lying to myself. I am disconnecting from my truth and beginning to create a made-up fantasy story of life as I want it to be. What a waste of energy! When I am mad... it's okay to FEEL MAD!

And the irritating thing to me is this. When someone tells me they are not mad... and they are... I get mad!!! Damn you!!!

"I'm not mad. I'm just frustrated." Ha! What's the difference between frustration and anger? NOTHING! Any number of words we use all fall into the primary emotion bucket labeled "Anger"... frustrated, irritated, dissappointed, pissed, crossed, de-valued, violated... all point to anger. So kids... when we're angry, express it as anger. "I feel angry!"

AND... keep the baseball bats in the closet. Protect yourself and your loved ones from leaking anger. Go hit a tree. Talk it out with a trusted friend. Go to the batting cages. Try and push that brick wall three feet south. Anything to release some energy so that we can talk about the anger, as opposed to being driven by it.

Okay?

How Can I Make it Right?

"So team, how do we support one another when one of us stumbles or falls?"

Great question! Unless, you are the CEO and you are the one who has stumbled.

Ouch.

The CEO-employee relationship has unequal power because the CEO ultimately signs the paycheck of everyone in the room. And, this creates a parent-child dynamic. And, the ice gets very thin when parents ask their kids for support. Why is that?

A child cannot be asked to provide for the emotional needs of the parent. At some level, this defines abuse, or at the very least co-dependency.

A child will always want to please the parent, even when it goes against their nature or their desire or "what is right". So, in this way we risk asking the child to step away from authenticity and into a masked character or persona. Again, not the target we're aiming for as parents... or as CEO's.

Children need to know that parents have the maturity to self-generate their own support and affirmation. They also need to know we're human. And, that we take 100% responsibility for our emotions and our actions.

So when a parent stumbles... or a CEO... the appropriate response in my belief is to clear the issue while taking 100% responsibility for it. "I did this. I see my mistake. And, I feel bad. I also see how it affects you. How can I make it right with you?"

When we first hear the question... "how can I make it right?"... we assume that whoever we are asking it of will come back with horrendous, over-the-top, or impossible demands. Not my experience. The question, when asked in a curious and "want-to-be-in-relationship" kind of way more often brings humility, mercy, understanding and connection. Wow. And... that is what I want with my kids... and my employees.

Onward!

V

(More? "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, PhD)

What if you do nothing?

She had laid out her whole story... all the background data, her assessment of the issues and how she perceives them , how her emotions are in play, and she was beginning to develop some options for moving forward.

And then, one of the other forum members asked, "What if you do nothing?"

Ha! Talk about stopping a train on a dime. Quiet filled the room.

"Well, it might just work itself out. We're doing a lot of the right things. Maybe it is just time..."


Sometimes when we get caught up in being "action-oriented" people we forget that "doing nothing" is a viable option. And, at the very least, reflecting on where the "doing nothing trail" might lead is an effective way to become an observer of my own life. It lifts me out of my desire for action, and helps me take stock from a different perspective.

And, doing nothing is sometimes the very best thing to do.

Onward!

V

"Action Plan" or "Plan Action"?

It's an interesting play on words, isn't it?

Do I act... and then plan? Or, do I plan and then act?

The truth be told, I sometimes act first and then figure out how to back a plan in to wherever it is that I now find myself. Some people call this... "shoot the arrow and then run real quick and move the target so that the arrow hits the bullseye."

I've been with a group for a while now... highly successful, proud history, solid growth trend... and a little stuck in the success of their own success. They do a lot of good things... but there is a sense that they could be more than what they are.

As we navigate through the process of "un-stucking" a whole host of good ideas have come forward of things we could do... actions. And, in the absence of plan... a defined set of targets and goals... all those good ideas may in fact be good... and they might also get us to the top of the wrong mountain.

My desire is that Plans Drive Actions. Every step we take then is a conscious choice made with the knowledge of who we want to be and where we want to go.

What do you think?

Onward!

V

What's Next (Part Deux)?

On my birthday in March I wrote about "What's next?" Ha! Sometimes life happens while we're making other plans.

A month earlier in February, (as I've also written), I was up on the Colorado Continental Divide snow shoeing in -17 degree weather. That's cold. And, my toes have never regained full feeling. And then it spread to my feet. And up my legs. Eventually I had no sense of skin touch on my legs and arms. A fly can walk all over and I don't feel a thing.

My regular doctor was worried about all kinds of dire diseases and sent me off to a Neurologist who poked and prodded (literally, with an electric cattle prod) and took blood and pictures to find something wrong. And the MRI showed a benign tumor in my head, putting pressure on the carotid artery. I wrote about all that a few months ago.

Off to the Neuro Surgeon. More tests. More pictures. And, I learned today... no surgery. The body is wonderfully redundant and the other carotid artery is performing quite nicely. Plenty of blood to the brain.

So, the flies can still land (it's kind of a good thing out in the desert) and I don't feel them. My legs buzz all the time. And, I don't have any of the dire diseases that might cause it. The L5 vertebrae may be a little compressed and there may be some holdover from the T12/L1 compression fracture from a few years ago... and well... I'm 52.

What's next? An appreciation for what I don't have... and an appreciation for what I do. Life. Great relationships. A nice home. And? More laps in the pool and more yoga. Vitamin B12. Maybe some more accupuncture.

I've also taken on a new volunteer commitment to coach the leaders of the YMCA of Armenia through a strategic planning process. I'll be heading there on Sunday. And on the way back I'll be having dinner with two good friends from Belfast who are in London for the weekend. Perhaps the three of us will straighten things out while we're there.

So, What's Next?

What's your plan?

It is hard to listen sometimes. It is hard not to fix the problem. Easier to offer a solution. Tell 'em what they oughta do.

I'm having coffee with a friend the other day. Our house had been broken into while on vacation and we lost an ancient TV, a nice Bose system, and a bag of currency from all the countries I have visited. Not a great loss, but still a loss. I was sharing how it felt... anger, sadness.

"You need to get an alarm system."
"And, you should add the stolen currency to the police report."
"Actually, you should just get someone to housesit when you are away."
"You live on a busy street. You should get those lights that turn on automatically."
"You should have left on more lights. I would have left more lights on."

Finally, I noticed what was happening and I said... "you know, you'd make a lousy coach."

And, he stopped, looking a little sheepish.

"Yeah, I'd be mad too," he said trying to pull out of his Mr. Fix-It Man role and hear my emotion.

So, it's one thing to hear the emotion that I was expressing. That felt good. But I also noticed that the question I wanted him to ask was... "what's your plan?" Because, that would have been a good question! And, it would have invited me to move through the emotion I was expressing and into a forward-looking posture. "What's next?" is almost always helpful once the emotion of the moment has dissipated.

Of course I would have said, "I don't know!" because I don't have a plan. What I want though is to explore my thoughts and fears around home security and to put aside all the voices of others so that I can discover what I want. Because that's where my life will be lived!

My Dad used to say "Don't should on me." I guess the old man had something there.

What is Really Important?

My favorite Aunt is turning 80. She doesn't have a mobile device or a computer so she won't know that I just gave up her age. She's the Aunt that still sends out handwritten cards for every occasion.. birthdays, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, you name it. And, her cards are always full of whatever news is lighting up the family telephone tree. There's a party for her next week but we were passing through Grants Pass where she lives and had dinner with her last night.

At one point I asked her, "What is really important in life?"

"Living for who you are and who you want to be. Not living for who others think you should be."

Nice. That we should all be so clear.

She Said. He Heard.

She said: "I shouldn't have to tell you how to express love to me. You should just know... naturally."

He heard: "I'm a screw-up. I don't know how to love well."

Then he remembered: "I get to choose how her statements land for me."

He re-framed his thoughts: "Ah. Perhaps she struggles expressing clear wants. What's my part in this? What can I own?"

Then he explored: "Well, I can listen intently and affirm her when she does express a want. I can offer her optional choices from time to time and learn about her wants. I can experiment with different kinds of love expressions and see what lands as love for her... time, touch, service, gifts, words... I could find a time when the tension is low and invite her to tell me some stories about when she has felt loved. When her wants were heard. And, I can listen and learn."

Making the shift from "I don't love well" to "I can listen and learn how to take full responsibilty for my part in this relationship" isn't easy. It takes guts. It takes owning MY part... and not owning THEIR part.

What do you think?

Where is My Identity?

I've never stayed at a hospital. But for my annual cold, I'm never sick. I am the healthy guy. And, what I'm learning these days is that I need to be the healthy guy. I need to be the guy that climbs mountains, never gets sick, skiis all day, easily swims a mile, and eats whatever he wants and keeps the same weight as when he was 35.

Uh oh. Red flag.

When someone says to me that they need something more than food, air, or water, the flags go up. Because food, air, and water are needs. Most everything else is a want. But, when we need something, we will often do loopy things to either prove to the world that we have it (even if we don't), or defend ourselves in not having it, or whatever it takes to assuage some fear that is embedded in not being whatever it is we are needing.

Yikes.

As I've wandered down the medical pathway these past few months, my body is telling me that all is not well. My persona of "healthy guy" is being challenged. And, I don't like that. So, I get mad. And I eat. And I politely reject the care and concern of others. And I stay in my cave and only do what absolutely must be done. What drama!

So, what to do? Breathe. And, breathe again. And ask myself...

"Who am I if I'm not the healthy guy?"

Pause. Breathe.

I'm me. And that's plenty enough.

Onward!

V

When are you in your Genius?

There are some things in my life where I am good. And, a few things where I might be great. And there is always the possibility to pursue excellence. But what about genius?

My sense is that there is genius wired into each of us... and we know we are in our genius when we're doing that thing that is almost effortless, where the results that we derive are greater than the sum of what we put in.

This weekend at the Doheny Blues Festival I witnessed genius. John Fogarty and Mavis Staples were there and you could sense their 40 years of performance grace and excellence. But there was also a young band from Germany playing on the "back porch" named "BB and The Blues Shack" and they were in their genius... the lead singer/harmonica, the lead guitarist, the keyboardist... all of them were in pure joy as talent, practice, heart, and soul all came together and the music flowed effortlessly.

I've seen a lot of talented people in my day. Few though give me that choked up feeling where I know I'm witnessing something special. When are you in your genius?

Onward!

V

What are we Learning?

"So, what are we learning?" I asked the Neurologist.

He gives me a puzzled expression. "No one has ever asked me the question quite like that. Good question though."

"I like good questions."

"Well, we've ruled out diabetes, cancer, back injury, HIV/AIDS, and Vitamin B-12 deficiency as the cause of your neuropathy."

"Okay."

"But the MRI turned up a tumor in your brain where the neck and head come together. It's benign. And, it's causing you to lose feeling in your arms and legs."

"Okay. What about Multiple Sclerosis?"

"Nope. You're clear. No lesions."

Relief. Joy.

There is something about moving something from the unknown to the known that brings comfort. I don't care how bad something is, just tell me what it is and I can play the hand out. Deal with it. Develop the critical task list that needs to get done. I can deal with a brain tumor. Especially a benign one.

I don't know yet what the path will be from here. But, we'll learn as we go. And, I am grateful and appreciative for the concern and care expressed toward me these last few months.

My takeaway? Every step we take is an opportunity to ask... "What are we learning?" and an opportunity to give thanks for what we have.

Onward!

V

Is it worth the risk?

"If you had gone by our house last Saturday you would have seen people playing dominoes and talking in the driveway and heard kids playing kickball and volleyball in the backyard. It might have looked like a pretty fun time! Well, it was, thankfully, but it was also much more than that. Something happens when people come together and start getting to know each other, something bigger than anyone can quite put their finger on. It's that feeling you get when you're surrounded by people you love and all of a sudden the beauty of it hits you. It's warmth, it's love, it's fellowship, and it's also exactly what the world need right now. The more I learn about all kinds of social ills, the more I am convinced that many of them could be significantly ameliorated if we all took the time to get to know each other. Imagine a world where nobody falls through the cracks because everybody is known: nobody ends up on the streets, no child drops out of school, no elderly person is left lonely or abandoned, no single mother has to raise her children on her own, and no one misses out on the joys of friendship. To know, to care, to love, and to be known, to be cared for, and to be loved. This is true community. So while it might have just looked like a bunch of people having a good time on a Saturday afternoon, it was also a neighborhood coming together and taking that first step toward building community. Beautiful."

So, is it worth the risk to reach out to another, to get to know someone who might be different, to risk involvement?

I pulled this from my daughter Janelle's monthly newsletter on her year-long internship in an inner city neighborhood of Houston. I think she has found her answer to the question... YES! And, she closes the newsletter with...

"In the meantime: There will never be a moment when absolutely everything is perfect, and most things will take quite awhile to be anything good. So, in the meantime, I'd like to keep being grateful and trying to love the people around me. It may just be that the "meantime" is really all that matters and all we have."

Onward!

V

(Check out http://www.missionyear.org/)

What's next?

My good friend Kaley once said her aspiration was to "live in a place I love, with a man I love, and do work that I love..." and how she had achieved all three. Pretty cool.

Today I was in the High Sierras... Mammoth Mountain to be exact... a place I love. I was with three friends who challenge and inspire me... people I love. And, we were skiing hard... doing something I love. What could be a better way to usher in 52?

This past year has included a fair amount of transition... home, relationships, graduations and marriages, evolving work. This next year is shaping up to be about grounding and perhaps scratching my "build something" itch. I've done buildings, and organizations, and people... even an ice rink... "I wonder what's next?"

Onward!

V

Which Way?

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

Tough decisions are tough. Which way should I go? Should I change jobs? Should I end this relationship? And, while it might be easy to say... "Figure out where you want to get to" first... it sometimes seems like answering that question is just as hard. Like Alice, we often don't know exactly where it is we want to get to. What to do?

How about doing nothing? Put it in the pot and let it simmer for a bit. But unless you like mushed carrots, you can't leave the carrots in the pot too long. So, here's a path:

First, assess the data. What are the facts? And by facts, I mean facts... not the stories you make up about the facts. Hard data. Times, dates, places... all the stuff a video camera could have recorded.

Next, get honest with yourself about the stories you are making up. What are the competing voices in your head saying? Admit it, we all have them, so cozy up and have a beer or cup of tea with each of the competitors. What do those inner voices want? How are they trying to protect you? How have they perhaps propelled you in the past but possibly sabotage you in the present? In any event... own your assessments, your judgments, beliefs, stories, predictions of the future, all of it.

And then... stop. And, feel. How are you feeling? Where are you feeling it in your body? Is that excitement? Fear? Sadness? Anger? Whatever you are feeling, just feel it.

My sense is that unless we are able to separate the facts, fiction and feelings the soup will remain in the pot on the stove. Whatever "wants" we might think we want will be clouded with un-owned stories and un-expressed emotions. So, we must do the hard work.

And then... go play! Really? Yes, play. When you want to connect with your deepest desires of who you are and what you want in life, go play. Do something creative. Something that is uniquely you. Enjoy yourself. Get dirty. Enjoy being you. You'll be amazed with what happens. And, if nothing happens, at least you will have had some fun. :)

Too often, we ask "what should I do?" when the better question is "what do I want?" When I am clear on my "want", the "do" part comes easily. Try it.

Be well,
V

Letting Go of My Need To Be Right

"Facebook is no substitute for real relationship!"

"Bah! It's how I stay connected!"

"Fine. Then, let's never do another offsite. In fact, let's just run the whole company on Facebook."

"Okay! Fine by Me!"

"Na Na Na!"

"Na Na Na Na!"

Hmm.

So, I'm with an executive team that is made up of 30-, 40-, and 50-somethings. Some grew up with rotary telephones. Some have never used a phone that had a wire connected to it. The company is hip, relevant, and attractive to a target market under 40.

While discussing critical success factors, I asked, "Can you let go of your need to be right?" and got more than a few blank stares.

Some got it... they smiled and said... "you're inviting us to become curious, aren't you?" Others couldn't let go of their position.

It seems to me that success will be found in our ability to let go of our need to be right in favor of our desire to connect. Being right has little value if the end result is alienation, isolation, and disconnection. If our desire is to meet people (clients, co-workers, friends, lovers) where they are at, it matters not whether we are right, but only that we are willing to let go of our well-staked position and become curious about the possibilities.

What do you think?

How Does it Serve You?

"I get that you want that. But, how does it serve you to stay right where you're at?"

"It doesn't serve me! I hate it!"

"Hmm. Well... if it didn't serve you somehow... perhaps in a way that protects you from something bigger or darker... than you would have likely gotten what you wanted a long time ago."

"Go on."

"It's your turn. How does it serve you to not change?"

"I don't have to fail. If I never really commit, than I never really fail."

"So, it sounds like you have your life set up so you don't get what you want because you don't take the risk of failing?"

"I guess so. And, the next question you're going to ask is, "Am I willing to take the risk? and the answer is Yes. I want this. And I am willing to take the risk of failure... because to do nothing, or to stay in this spin cycle, is not working."

"Cool."

Who Has My Back?

Me: "Back! You're killing me. It's my first day on the slopes this year... give me a break!"
Back: "Well, it's about time you noticed. You've been trying to ignore me the last couple hours."
Me: "Okay. You've got my attention. What's going on?"
Back: "Well, you're carrying some extra baggage."
Me: "No! I'm within 4 pounds of my ideal fighting weight!"
Back: "Not that kind of baggage. Look over your shoulder. You're carrying Jim, and your dad, and Dave, Keith, Tony, Kaley, Chris, Glen, Ted, Brad... all your enouragers, critics, butt-kickers and all their expectations and desires for you. They're adding a lot of weight to our skiing today. You're worried more about what they would think about your skiing than enjoying the day of skiing!"
Me: "Whoa."
Back: "Yeah, whoa. What do you want to do?"
Me: "Well, first of all I want to thank you. Not for being such a pain, but for raising the flag on what's going on. And, I want to take a breath here and send some love your way."
Back: "Ah. I'm relaxing a bit now."
Me: "And, I'm going to relax a bit too. It's just a day on the slopes. And, it's beautiful. There is no need to manage the story for anyone else. I may take a break. I don't really need to ski 25,000 vertical feet today. It's my first day on the slopes. Perhaps we could be a bit more gentle with each other."
Back: "Perfect."
Me: "Thanks."

What Do You Make That Mean?

And then he said, "I've given into the notion that I am going to drink on New Years."

"Okay," I said. "You've talked about your commitments to limit alcohol. So, what do you make that mean? The drinking on New Years."

"Well, it means I won't have to let everyone know that I struggle with drinking."

"Not buying it."

"What?"

"I'm not buying it. I don't think this is about you not wanting people to know you struggle with drinking. What are you really making it mean?"

"Hmm. Well, it's my job to make sure everyone has a good time. So, in a sense it means I'm doing my job."

"What do you think of people that don't do their job?"

"Losers."

"Ah. So you're a loser if you don't drink on New Years. It sounds like that's what you make it mean. It also sounds like you believe no one will have a good time if you're not drinking. Is that a responsibility you want to take on?"

"Hmm. And, no. Thanks."

"My pleasure. What's your plan?"

"To take responsibilty for me on New Years, and not everyone else. I may drink, but it will be because I want to. And, only because I want to and choose to. I will weigh that choice against my other commitments."

Cool. Happy New Year.

I Notice Your Tears

What is it about tears that freaks us out? Who wrote the rule that says... "apologize if tears show up."?

It seems to me that tears are the best indicator of life. They mean that your heart and your head are connected on the same body!

"What do your tears mean?" is a great question when someone is in their emotional aliveness. It is surprising how often we don't know until we stop to take a breath and reflect for a minute... Am I sad? Joyful? Angry? Fearful? It could be anything!

I look forward to the day when tears are a natural and welcomed part of our lives... business and personal! To me, it will mean that we have embraced the notion that emotions simply are... and are not to be avoided. Allowing the gentle flow of tears moves us closer to being able to talk about our emotions as opposed to being driven by them.

Onward!

V

Where are you right now?

“If you ask people to imagine winning the lottery,” Dr. Gilbert says, “they typically talk about the things they would do — ‘I’d go to Italy, I’d buy a boat, I’d lay on the beach’ — and they rarely mention the things they would think. But the data suggest that the location of the body is much less important than the location of the mind, and that the former has surprisingly little influence on the latter. The heart goes where the head takes it, and neither cares much about the whereabouts of the feet.”

So, where are you right now? Or better said, "Where are your thoughts right now?"

The study that produced the above quote found that those people who focused their minds on what they were doing in the moment were happier than those whose minds wandered. And, we live at a time where we have been acculturated to mind wandering... to your phone, laptop, TV screen, to the unfinished conversation or the difficult conversation that hasn't occurred yet.

I notice when I am mountain biking down a steep hill that it requires 100% of my concentration. Same with a challenging mogul run. And, there is nothing better in the world! For me, "rest" often has more to do with "giving my mind a rest" than "giving my body a rest". And, when I am in an activity that requires 100% concentration, regardless of the physical exertion, I come away feeling rested. And, happy.

So, where are your thoughts right now? What do you do that requires 100% presence?

Onward!

V

Click to read the full New York Times article.

"If Meg wants to do that, I'll be glad to do that."

In the week before the California Governor's election, a campaign typified by particularly bruising negative attacks, both candidates for governor were appearing together and asked if they would take down their negative ads.

Jerry Brown, the former governor who was ultimately elected said, "If Meg wants to do that, I'll be glad to do that."

And Meg said, "I will take down any ads that could be even remotely construed as a personal attack, but I don't think we can take down ads that talk about where Gov. Brown stands on the issues."

So, who gets the gold star for clear communication today?

Sadly, not re-elected Jerry. While Meg got booed for her remark, Jerry was lauded with praise. But what did he really say? Look carefully.

He said nothing!

He played a classic move of political non-speak. He could have said, "I want to take down the negative ads." Or better yet, "I will take down all negative ads. Meg, will you agree to that?" But he didn't say that. he said, "If Meg wants to..."

My desire is for leaders to speak their wants clearly, recognizing that we don't always get what we want. I want leaders to propose solutions. Alternatives. I want leaders to seek clean agreements.

And, sometimes I don't get what I want.

Onward!

V

MAN SAVED FROM HIMSELF

"A Metro-area area man was rescued this past fall from himself. Sources close to the incident said that a business executive was buried alive in his own past for decades. Astonshingly he didn't even recognize it until recently. A near crisis situation was avoided when an unidentified California man known only as "The Guy" assisted in providing a shovel that allowed the man to dig his way out. The executive is recovering nicely and expected to make a full recovery by finding his own life."

What would be the headline for your life today? What would the one paragraph summary have to say?

Onward!

V

The Road to Peace

Over the entryway of the Jerusalem YMCA is a quote of storied and uncertain origin, often referred to as "The Peace Saying"..."In the essentials, unity; in the non-essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity." The YMCA has served as a beacon of peace in this divided community for generations and earned a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for the role it has played. My sense is that one of the reasons for its success in this area has been the ability to discern the difference between essentials and non-essentials.

When I let go of my need to be right, or when I open myself up to the possibility of differing points of view, I create peace... peace with God, with myself, with others. I open myself up to the path of curiosity and wonder... "What are the essentials here?"

Onward!

V

DK Squared

I love the moment when I am confronted with something I didn't know I didn't know (DK Squared for short).

It happened today while sitting in on a design innovation workshop. Now, I consider myself a somewhat savvy development/design guy... I spend a fair amount of time with folks designing outcomes and strategies and all the rest. But, today I was confronted with a really cool perspective on prototyping and piloting. I've always lumped the two together, but today some new lights went off. I became aware of an area where I could embark on some new learning... In other words, I became aware enough to know something I don't know.

The really cool part when I discover that I am DK Squared is how it sets me off on a new journey of discovery. I'm motivated to new learning and can't wait to see what I can uncover.

When was the last time you were DK Squared? Where in your life is it possible that you are? Who in your life has permission to help you know?

Onward!

V

"Who am I in This Scene?

It's a great line in the climactic ending scene of 2009's "The Stepfather". Dylan Walsh's character has a nasty habit of changing identities to enter the lives of vulnerable unmarried women and then off them and their families when something goes awry. So, when Sela Ward's character begins to unravel his story and confronts him with his string of lies... he trips on his own "current name" and in an almost humorous way asks himself... "Who am I in this scene?"

And, I think the question applies to all of us!

Who am I in this scene? With these employees? With this partner? With my kids? In this relationship? Or, in this moment?

Am I the southern California surf dude? Am I the quiet and studious one? The outdoor guru? The reflective asker of good questions? The stern father? The compassionate friend? The kick-em-in-the butt leader?

Who knows!?! And, really... Who cares!?!

Well... I think it's important to recognize that we all fall into characters as a way of protecting ourselves from the "bad-thing-that-might-happen"... those personas that we adopted as kids, in school, away at college... they all become a cast of characters that are all riding on our bus. And sometimes, they are characters we don't necessarily like! And, sometimes those unruly characters jump into the driver's seat!

To me, the first step then is to recognize when the road is getting a little bumpy and I am moving into character. The sooner I can catch myself, take a breath... ask "Who am I in this scene?" and "What's really going on here?"... the sooner I can step into the mature posture of simply being me. Again.

Do We Have an Agreement?

It may seem like a simple question... "Do we have an agreement?"... yet it is powerful . It promotes clarity. It defines desire. When answered, it means we're on the same page.

The simple task of setting a meeting time is fertile ground for unclear agreements. Is "We will meet at 10am" a clear agreement? Well, maybe. But, maybe not.

What does "meet at 10am" mean? Does it mean that's what time I get up from my desk and move toward the meeting space? Does it mean that's what time I arrive to fill up my coffee cup and get something to eat? Or does it mean that I'm in my seat, ready to work? Yep. Could be all of those. Not very clear.

Or, how about... "Will you be at the meeting on Friday?" where the response is "I'll try." In my world, the definition of "try" is often looking to get credit for something you have no intention of actually doing. So, "try" doesn't create an agreement.

"Do we have an agreement?" is binary. Response choices are "yes" or "no". If there isn't a clear "yes", we have work to do. Bring it on.

Mirror or Map?

A couple years ago Tyler Gilbert went on a journey to visit 21 countries for his 21st birthday. In his published travel journal, he shares a profound thought...

"There are two kinds of travelers... those who look at maps, and those who look in mirrors. Those looking at maps are heading out. Those looking at mirrors are heading home."

Am I looking outward, to the adventure of action, to the unknown, to the possibility? Or, am I looking inward, at the change, the depth of purpose, the sense of personal awareness, of who I am?

It's the classic tension of "doing" and "being", isn't it? And, it's not a right or wrong question, but simply a recognition that we are both "human doings" and "human beings". Sometimes we are focused on the action at hand, the doing, and sometimes we are focused on who we are, the being.

Thanks Tyler.

Click here to check out his book on amazon.com

It's Budget Time

I must be getting old. Because when I was cutting my teeth as a frontline operator, part of my job was to produce a balanced operating budget and then perform to it. The CEO doled out the expectation of 'balanced' (and whatever that meant) and we the operators got to work figuring it out.

Today, I hear more and more from both CEO's and front line folks that the CFO is writing and balancing the budget. Hmm. How'd that happen?

I don't know. But I'm here to get out my soapbox and stand on it.

The CFO's job is to report what has happened. And, to forecast what will happen if the present course is kept or the proposed course of action is taken. That's it.

The writing of a budget is a financial expression of a plan. The responsibility for the plan is between the CEO and the people responsible for generating the resources to execute the plan. And, that's not the CFO. If it is in your organization, than your CFO is really the COO and has lost the objectivity required of a good CFO function. I'd like to see the CFO take a vacation for the two weeks that a balanced operating plan is being developed.

Okay. I feel better. Now, all you CEO's and Frontline Operators... go write your own plans and budgets!

Good questions here...

• "Whose job is it and why?"
• "Whose decision is it?"
• "What principles will guide our decision?"

Onward!

V

How is that working for you?

Rejection. Yuck. Picked last for the team, or not picked at all. Friends that have faded away as fascades melt and real-life unfolds. Voted off the island during a corporate re-structure.

Often , it is the fear of rejection that blocks me from revealing the truth of what is going on inside. It's an old tape... "If you share the truth, you will be rejected and hurt."

So, the other night I was having dinner with an out-of-town friend and shared some of what was going on in my life. He asked... "So, how is that working for you in your work?" To which I responded... "It hasn't affected it at all."

"Really?" he asked. "I would have thought your work might have gotten better. Stronger. Deeper."

And I smiled.

"You went to rejection didn't you? You thought what I asked was 'Have you been rejected?' in your work."

He was right. I went to focusing on the bad thing that might have happened, instead of the good things that have happened. Because, in truth, these last few months have produced better, stronger, and deeper work for me.

It's a familiar struggle... will I focus on the bad thing that might happen if I step out, speak my truth, expose a vulnerability... or will I focus on the good thing. Fear or appreciation.

I choose appreciation. And you?

Saying the Darndest Things

Art Linkletter passed away today. Anyone over 50 might remember his 1960's TV "House Party". Bill Cosby did a version of the show in the 90's. Art was a great question asker.


And, I was one of those kids on the show. I remember loading up in a car with some other kids from my preschool and heading to the CBS studios in LA where we would be filmed. I also remember sitting on the toilet while some production assistant frantically coaxed me to get going. And I remember the little girl next to me getting out of her seat to come over and kiss me on the cheek while on camera. Perhaps she was going to marry me. I don't remember. I do remember having no idea how to answer the inevitable "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question. "Fireman" was my best answer.


So, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Ha! Now, that's a great question.

First to Fall

A while back I was having a conversation with a young man attending a conference with his dad. Over the course of the two or three days, I noticed a certain discomfort or awkwardness between the two.

I began to craft the story that both the father and son were waiting for something to happen in their relationship. Perhaps they were waiting for the other to do something, to take some sort of step forward toward the other. It was like I was watching this unspoken game of “who will be the first to fall?” being played out.

“First to fall?” You know, the first to go vulnerable. To speak their truth. To state a desire in the relationship. Without a stated desire on the table it was just a game of wait and see. Of looking to the other person to take responsibility for the relationship.

“What would it look like for you to take 100% responsibility for your part in this relationship? “ I asked him.

“Well, I’d have to get clear on what I want first. Then I suppose I could take responsibility for that.”

Huh.

It seems to me that there is 200% responsibility in every relationship. I own 100% responsibility for my part and you own 100% responsibility for your part. I can’t own your part and I can’t control you… all I can do is own 100% of my part in the relationship.

When I look to someone else to define or create the relationship I desire, I give up the power to own and define my own life. Better to get clear and ask for what I want… recognizing that I don’t always get what I want. And, sometimes, I do.

Nine Friends

"Sometimes you don't know you're thirsty until you find water," he said.

"Tell me more," I replied.

"Well, our forum has been together for eight years. We've run the course of business issues and for the last year it's been kind of flat. I know there are issues in our lives that we're not addressing... sense of purpose, empty nesting, aging parents, a couple kids falling off the rails... we've wanted to go there, but haven't known how."

"So, What do you want to have happen?"

"Well, your book opened up a path and provides a toolkit for getting us to a new level of interaction. It's about coming together as whole people... not just business leaders."

"Hmm. Is that what you want?"

"Ha! Sometimes you do get what you want! And, it's a little uncomfortable. And, it's what we want."

Cool.


"Nine Friends: Maximizing Your Forum" is now available through my website http://www.vincecorsaro.com/ or at http://www.lulu.com/ and will soon be available from any major book retailer. Pretty cool.

Mountain Driving

We were driving down from Mount Baldy a million years ago in a snow storm. The road was white and we didn't have chains on. My buddy had forgotten gloves and we were both miserable. My car was front wheel drive and I was starting to slide and he said... "keep power in the wheels and look toward where you want to go... because, if you look toward where you don't want to go, you will go there."

Where am I looking today? Which way are you looking?

Old Meets New

In 1970 my family stayed at the brand new Sierra Nevada Inn in Mammoth Lakes California. Our next door neighbors were part of an original investor pool and I think we stayed for free. In the 80's I stayed as a newlywed. In the 90's I stayed with my kids. And I'm staying here tonite for the second time in a month while grabbing a couple days skiing. So, what's the question?

Well, the old Inn has now become the "Sierra Nevada Lodge". It's going through a re-birth. A family in LA decided to pour a bit of themselves into the place and they've done a great job of creating an "old meets new" vibe.

And, I'm a developer at heart. I look at things as they are and can't help but envision what they could be. My wiring just screams... "what's the current condition?" and "what's the desired condition?" And then, "What are the action steps to get there?"

With the Inn I can see evidence that all kinds of good marketing questions have been asked and answered...

• Who is our target market?
• What is important to them?
• What are we attracting them from?
• What is our unique value proposition?

But I can also see how a team of people have come together to climb a big mountain. This place was tired. And they've poured themselves into it. I've talked with their sales staff, the front desk staff, the housekeeping staff and to a person they own this place. They may be employees to the outside observer, but inside, they are owners. Kudos to all the new owners.

Sometimes it may seem easier to tear it all down and start over. Wouldn't we all like to do that with our lives sometimes? Harder to re-define, re-purpose and re-create ourselves into who we want to be.

The Scenic Route

"For fast acting relief, try slowing down." Lily Tomlin

In 1964 my 32-year old mom loaded up her five kids into the Oldsmobile Station Wagon and drove Route 66 from Los Angeles to her Aunt Irene's in Springfield, Illinois. I was five and only remember a few moments which have become ingrained in the family story... leaving my older brother behind at a gas station ("Really Mom, Rick isn't here!"), trying to pay for a motel with an out-of-state check ("Lady, here's a stack of out of state checks returned by the bank. We accept cash."), and celebrating another brother's birthday with a candle on a glazed donut.

There is a current relevance to my musing. A friend just drove my car from LA to Chicago on Route 66 and I will be driving it home in a couple weeks. His purpose in making the trip was to get off the superhighway... both actually and metaphorically... and slow down a bit, take in the sights, breathe the desert air, and perhaps find a part of himself in the process.

I don't have quite the esoteric motivation. I just like a good road trip... but it's worth the question... "What is it I want to have happen?"

How Does It Serve Me?

A few years ago I was surfing at an unfamiliar break- Pacific Beach in San Diego- and while paddling into a wave became concerned that it was too big and that I didn’t have the capability to ride it well. By the time I made the decision to pull back I was too far in and ended up getting “sucked over the falls” and slammed on to the shallow sandy bottom. I knew immediately that things weren’t right and managed to get myself out of the water. I was stunned and disoriented but not enough to warrant medical attention on the spot.

The funny thing is that I would have likely gone uninjured if I had stayed the course and gone with it. Note to self: sometimes the risk or downside of pulling back is more then the downside of riding it out. But in the end, I had two compression fractures and my back has never been the same.

I've been to physical therapy and chiropractic. I've had folks suggest glucosomene and other pills. I do exercises and stretches. I hydrate well. But if stress is going to show up in my body, it goes straight to my back. And it's a pain.

Sometimes I wonder... how does this pain serve me? Because if it didn't serve me somehow, I would have likely dealt with it more effectively over the years. Is it possible that the pain in my back is some sort of reminder, a caution, a penance for some guilt perhaps? I don't know. I wonder if the path toward wellness is to let go of my hold on the pain. Let go of whatever it is that the pain represents. This could get a little woo-woo... but perhaps I haven't learned the lesson that the pain has for me.

No solid answer tonite. Just the question... how does holdng on to this thing... this un-changing pain in my life... serve me?

Coopetition?

Is it possible to be in an authentic relationship with a competitor? What are the risks? What are the rewards?

There are examples aplenty of trade groups and professional associations where folks that compete in the marketplace band together for the benefit of all... but these do not have authenticity as the target. My experience in these groups is a high degree of protection over our dirty laundry.

So, I'm listening to a friend talk about his group of CEO's that are all in the same business, they are similarly sized, and they have some level of "geographic boundary" but are still competing for the same customer. And, they've formed a group with the stated desire of "coopetition"... that is, to compete cooperatively. They have agreed upon norms around expected behaviors. Confidentiality is key. Not raiding each others' employees is part of their agreement. They are openly sharing business and life issues and there is a synergy occuring between their various strengths and skills. It seems to be working for the benefit of all in that there is tremendous growth occuring in their respective businesses.

It made me curious. Am I just living in an old paradigm by thinking this is unusual? What do you think? How does this kind of competitive-cooperative thinking show up in your world?

Be well,

V

What is the Best Question?

And then he offered, "The value people like you bring to our table is not only asking good questions, but helping us ask the right questions. And, I've noticed that the questions I want to ask as CEO of a big organization are quite different then the questions I asked as I was moving up through the ranks. And sometimes, I forget that and fall into old scripts."

Give me an example, I asked.

"Well, when I check in with a tactical question... "is the report completed?" for example, I get a tactical response- yes or no. Not very high value. If I ask a strategic question... "how will this report move us toward our desired outcomes?" I get a higher level response. And the home run is when I ask a generative question... "what's the story we're making up about the data in this report?" That's when I get the best from my people."

So, what's the best question for you to be asking today?

Onward!

V

What's the Good Thing That Might Happen?

When I notice fear or resistance toward doing something or facing a difficult situation it is easy to go to the question... "What's the bad thing that might happen?" to get to the root of the fear.

The follow up question that I often forget to ask though is... "What's the good thing that might happen?"

It's the classic tension between fear and love... fear of the bad thing against the possibility of experiencing the joyful love in the good thing. We set our lives up to avoid the bad but then never get the good.

The fun part comes when we are willing to take the risk of the bad thing happening in order to pursue the good thing... and notice that the fear of the bad thing was all in our head anyway.

Go figure.

What do you Want?

"I want to be more fit!"
"I want to eat less!"
"I want more time for fun!"

Getting clear on what I want is a big step toward getting it. But, figuring out what I want is sometimes not all that easy. Because if I knew what I wanted I probably would have already gotten it.

Wants describe a desired future. But often our wants are rooted in the past... and keep us anchored to the past. Let me explain...

When I state a want as a "more" or "less" I am anchoring myself to the past because the starting point being described is now. And by tomorrow, now is yesterday. Better to describe my want as a statement anchored to the point in the future where I have achieved it:

"My want is to be fit to pursue the activities I enjoy."
"My want is to eat well."

Sometimes a want can be stated as if it has already been accomplished, as in:

"I do something I enjoy every day."

These kinds of positively stated wants give direction to my life and provide a simple tool for evaluating every action. "My want is to eat well. How does the triple fudge brownie cake with ice cream on top align with that want?"

What do you want?

Unpacking Boxes

My back hurts. At this point in life, I would not have expected the script to read “moving into a leased condo…” At once I am frustrated that the place I was buying fell out of escrow after 6 months at the seller’s initiative… and sad that my “place” in life is not more settled. The script was supposed to read… “work your career, pay off your home, ride off into the sunset…” But sometimes the script doesn’t turn as I expect. My sense of place is all haywire. In the work I do, home is defined by the location of my toothbrush and IPod. My relationships are scattered across the globe. There is very little “grounding” my life.

So, what am I holding on to?

Well first I am holding onto a story of what life was supposed to be. I’ve always aimed at doing what I was supposed to do. Hmm. Maybe that’s an issue. Perhaps, we are meant to follow our desire, our bigger wants, our vision, our unique gifts… and not so much follow the path of “supposed to.” So, in a sense, this time might be about letting go of “supposed to” and embracing the more mature “want to.” Hmm.

Another is a story that “place” is grounding. Everyone tells me I need a base camp, a home, a man cave in order to be grounded and at peace. I’m beginning to think that maybe that’s their story and perhaps not mine. Maybe there is another story.

In any event, I’ve moved to a new town (10 miles from where I’ve lived for 25 years…not a big jump). Nice ocean view. 10-minute walk to a new coffee spot. Big garage. And, as my friend Michael McGinnis wrote… It’s All Good.

So, what story are you holding on to?

Onward!

Thanks

I’ve had the good fortune of travelling around much of the world and, like Dorothy, always conclude that there is “no place like home.” Southern California and the 16,000,000 other folks all huddled on the edge of the mighty blue pacific is home. I love it here.

One of my favorite things is to meet up with a friend at the beach for a walk, run, paddle, or surf. I love the ocean. I love the rhythm, the ebb and flow, the depth, the mystery.

Sometimes when I’m at the beach though I find myself focusing on the big bazillion dollar McMansions stacked next to each other on the bluffs and the fancy cars lined up at the Ritz Carlton valet and the exclusive beach club and all the things that money buys and I notice that my mind has wandered to all that I don’t have. And then, when I become conscious of it, I’ll shift my focus onto what I do have… the beauty of creation, a good friend to walk, run, paddle, or surf with, the good fortune to live in a country where I can think and speak and pray and go about life as I choose to… and I move to a place of appreciation and gratitude and thanks.

What about you?

What's the Risk?

"I've never been much of a leader. I'm more of a follower," he said.

"Huh. What might happen if you stepped into leading here?"

"I'd make a mistake. I'd waste time. I'd lose money."

"Huh. What else might happen... what might you get?"

"Some freedom. Doing what I want to do... something I'm passionate about."

"Huh. So, it sounds like you've set your life up so that by not taking the risk of a mistake or wasting time you don't ever lead and get what you really want... freedom and passion."

"Hmm."

"How's that working for you?"

"It's not."

"So, are you willing to take the risk of leading, of making a mistake or wasting time or losing money to get what you really want?"

"Well, yeah. I think so."

"I'll take that as a no. You'll know it's a yes when it comes clearly as "YES" from your gut and your heart. Anything else is a no."

"Thanks. Yes. I'm willing to take the risk."

"Great. What would support for you look like?"

And, on it goes...

Grab a Beer?

Close your eyes for a moment and get in the helicopter with me. We'll only go up a couple hundred feet and just hover there.

Now, imagine that you can look back and see that you are in fact still right where you are... and that you are able to look down on your life from the helicopter view. What's going on? Are you someone you'd want to have a beer with after work? How about someone you'd want to confide in? Go take a hike with? Seek advice from? What do you think of you?

When we're able to get honest about how we are judging or assessing ourselves, the door opens to accept ourselves right where we are. This is the truth of this moment... and it won't always be this way. It also opens the door to learn from those inner critical messages that we berate ourselves with... the "you're really not all that good..." and the like. We all have some version of this and it is in when we detach and take an outside view that we are able to recognize it as simply the critical voice inside.

In any event... maybe today is a good day to go grab a beer with yourself... or an ice tea... and have a little heart to heart.

Time for Some Kick-Ass?

My goal as a facilitator is to meet the group where they are at and create a space for them to get what they want. Simple. And, I like simple.

There is a subtle complexity though which is interesting and challenging. How much structure should I bring? Should I bring a “hard edge” style or a softer, more welcoming and accepting edge? I can do the hard edge… short abbreviated sentences, clear instructions, little story or emotion, just the facts. And, I can do the soft edge… let the stories unfold a bit, embrace emotion, lead from a step behind yet still lead, keep a light grip on what is coming up and where the group wants to go.

I am noticing that many groups today are desiring the softer edge. In a rapidly changing and unsettled world environment, the soft edge seems to provide a refuge, a place of comfort, a sense of support. Not a free-for-all touchy feely love fest, yet a space that says “come inside for a time… it’s pretty tough out there right now.”

It makes me wonder about how this might translate to leadership in the workplace. Is it time for kick-ass… or is it time to take a breath and recognize that we are people first and we all have fears about what’s lurking just over the horizon?

How are you showing up with your people right now? What would support look like… for them? Have you asked recently?

Happy All The Time

I own my judgment around those who pursue happiness… to me it seems hedonistic, narcissistic, and addictive… take a happy pill, get an adrenaline rush, live like it’s forever Saturday night and life is a party. So, when a friend suggested I read a book titled, “What Happy People Know”* I scoffed. He laughed. And then I read it.

My cynical critic was online as I cracked the first chapters. The author talked about evolution like it was scientific fact and made all kinds of unsupported assertions about the human condition... it was easy to put the book into the category of “feel good fluff.” I kept reading.

And then he began to explore the biological and biochemical realities of our brain structure and system, quoting legitimate research on emotional responses and brain chemistry. I was hooked.

Two quotes resonated:

“Contemporary fear almost always fits into one of two categories: fear of not having enough and fear of not being enough. Having enough and being enough are the two factors that best ensure survival in the modern world, so fears about them are rooted to the core of the neurological fear system. They’re as deep as the fear of death...”

“…The antidote for fear is love… And the purest form of love is appreciation.”

So, he had me. He scientifically described a condition that I have long suspected… that fear and love cannot occur simultaneously. And that the surest way to move from fear is to appreciate. And when we appreciate, we are tapping into the joy of who we are and who we were created to be. And that makes me happy.


*Dan Baker, PhD, “What Happy People Know” New York: St. Martins Press. 2003

You Did What?

So, my mom calls the other day to share her latest adventure. Turns out there was a little party store in her town in the desert that was for sale. She had known about it for months and it had been like a little a pot of soup cooking... she'd been playing with the idea, adding a little salt, pondering on how it might fit into her life and what she wanted, letting it simmer. And then, she bought it.

What?

Now, I won't give you my mom's age, but you can approximate based on the fact that I'm 50. So, what is she doing buying a store?!? That rents bounce houses and sells pinatas?!?

Well, maybe she's acting on purpose. She knows who she is and who she's not. She's not the grandma ready to sit in the rocking chair. She's vibrant, alive. She desires to be connected with people. And who better to connect with than people throwing a party?

Recently she was reminiscing about the parties we used to throw when I was a kid. Fourth of July was the big event, but there were also halloween parties and pool parties, political parties, and just about any other excuse for a party... even the "Wizard of Oz on our new Color TV Party". I wonder now if she was thinking of the party store when she was reminiscing?

In any event, it's worthy of a post because it begs the question...

How are you acting... and living... on purpose?

Appreciation Appreciates

The morning had gone well. There had been some difficult issues to debrief and plenty of good generative discussion as well, but the energy wasn't quite where I wanted it to be for the closing.

I almost always close by moving into a place of appreciation. What I've learned is that all of the worries about the future tend to take a back seat when we are appreciating what we have... as opposed to worrying about what we don't have. It's like when I'm walking on the beach with a friend... we can look toward the shore and the bazillion dollar McMansions and feel bad about what we don't have... or we can look toward the sea... and the waves, clouds and breeze... and reflect on the beauty and the splendor of what we do have. So, I chose appreciation as a way to end the retreat.

Because, at the end of the day, what we appreciate appreciates. It gains value. It gets bigger. It becomes something more.

So the group began to appreciate. One another. Their successes. Their challenges as an opportunity to grow. Their history. Their future. And you know what, the energy shifted and the group grew bigger. Stronger. More alive.

What is it that you appreciate today?

I can't see it

"But I can't see what that would look like!"

You're right! You can't see the future. All you can do is make up a story of what you think the future will hold. And, in my case, I often make up the wrong story.

I've had the pleasure of climbing some big mountains over the years. One of the things I've come to appreciate is that while you can often see the summit from the trailhead, you can NEVER see the whole trail. And, there is almost always a surprise. I'm thinking of the keyhole on Long's Peak... the hidden notch on Mount Powell... the needles on Whitney... a moment that can't be seen from the trailhead and the only way to experience it is to get your feet on the trail!

So, I'm with a guy the other day and he says "I can't see what it will look like 6 months from now." And, I said, "Of course! All you can do is put your foot on the trail today. What would that look like? What is the risk of stepping forward?"

Onward!

V

Letting Go

I have this great poem called “Transitions” that talks about how the trapezist must let go of the one trapeze in order to grab onto the next. And, in between, there is a moment where they are holding onto neither but instead flying through air. It’s the same in rock climbing. Often, you have to let go of one hand or foothold and commit to the forward movement in order to reach the next. There’s also the story of the Spanish Explorer who burnt the ships in the harbor once they reached the new world. There was no going back… only forward.

What is it about letting go?

Letting go of long held beliefs or desires. Vigorously staked out positions on an issue. Letting go of what we wanted it to be and embracing what is. I think it is about grieving what isn’t, or hasn’t, or didn’t, or couldn’t. It’s not about fixing a blame or needing to be right… I think it’s about accepting what is and choosing the next step. Because, in the end, every step we take is a choice. And, that choice can be driven by the past or the things we haven’t yet let go of, or it can be driven by the present, and the maturity in which we live in this moment.

A bit esoteric today. Just spent a couple hours surfing with my best friend from college. Reflecting on a 30-year friendship is cool.

So, what do you want to let go of, or accept?

BUSTED

A while ago I was speaking at a retreat for couples, sharing some clean communication skills and how to clear issues. Only, the issues they were bringing up in practice were, well, bland at best. Nothing juicy. And, I like juicy. I mean, if we’re going to work, let’s WORK!

So, I asked if one of the women would come up front and role play with me. I’ll be the husband coming in from work and have an issue, I said. She said, okay.

And, off I went. Only, I kept going. What was supposed to be a role play all of a sudden was waaaaay tooooo real. I was having a ball! My dark little internal predator was out to play and we were letting this poor woman have it!

She was a little shocked. And then, the other women in the audience came to her defense. “What was that?!?” they cried. I took a step back and breathed.

“You weren’t clearing an issue… you were on the attack!”

The men came to my defense. “What’s the problem?” they said. And the room erupted.

Finally, I was able to restore order and get a word in. “Okay. I’ll own that I was on an emotional roll. There was more going on than just this moment. And, I’ll ask everyone to own your judgments of the scene as just your judgments. I’ll own my part. You own your part, okay? And now... everyone breathe.”

So, here’s the deal. In a nano-second, some old emotional baggage found a crack and leaked out. My internal predator was driving my bus. So, instead of clearing an issue and talking about the emotions involved, my emotions were driving the bus in that moment. It's the difference between "being in" my emotions versus "talking about" my emotional experience.

When I stepped back to breathe, I was able to ask myself “What’s really going on here?” and own it and bring it out into the light. No defensiveness, just curiosity.

Later in the session, we all had a good laugh about how our emotions can sometimes drive the bus. A teachable moment indeed.

The View from Down Under

In coaching we invite you to "step outside of yourself" and take a detached viewpoint on your life. It's usually an effective way to gain clarity on what's really going on.

Flying halfway around the planet is another way to step out. The view from 7,500 miles looking back on my world is quite different than when I am living in it. I saw a billboard that says... "No leave. No life." So, perhaps this is what "leave"... or vacation... is about: stepping out and giving space to become an observer of my own life.

So, what am I seeing?

Well, it's a mixed bag. I see lots of gratitude, and some sadness. Gratitude for the opportunity to travel, to engage with friends in different cultures, to be alive and able to play and enjoy life. And, sadness... that life hasn't turned out according to the script that was written many years ago... looking at the ways "playing it safe" has trumped exposing a vulnerability or deeper truth. I see a guy with a strong inner critical voice that says "quit feeling so much and just live..." I see a guy that wants to connect in meaningful ways.

So, step out, friends. What would an observer see in your life?

G'Day Mate

It's true that I can be a surly traveller. First to put on headsets and open a book when I sit down on an airplane. Don't get me wrong here... I'm appropriately polite to all service staff... flight attendants, desk clerks and the like... but don't expect to see me chattin up the folks in the bar.

So, I'm in Australia and everyone knows that Australian's are nice. So, I've decided to try something different. Being nice. Hmm. It works out okay. A friendly chat with an old local and a kid from Jersey (a sovereign island in the English Channel.. who knew?)in the bar last night. Friendly banter in the water surfing this morning.

I'm wondering if we were told that the French were nice would we be nicer when in Paris? I'm wondering how the world would be different if we were just pleasant with one another... less concerned with how someone might talk my ear off on an airplane, or challenge me with differing thoughts or perspectives, or?

What will choosing authentic pleasantness look like today?

Who has the power here?

Like many others, I sometimes “give away power” in my life. I give away the power to approve me, to validate or affirm my skills, ambitions, desires, dreams. I give away the power to define who I am and what it is that I will do with this life.

Over the years, I have cast different players into the power position. Who they are is less important to me than recognizing that they exist. So, the question for me is often, “who has the power here?”

When I am holding the power, I live in a place of self-definition, of being true to who I was created and wired to be, to the gifts and talents I’ve been given and that have been nurtured through years of success and challenge. When I give away the power, my gaze is on someone else, some other person that I have granted an extraordinary power to define me. Hmm.

The other day, I was speaking with a person I respect about an opportunity that is in front of me. My radar was on high alert because the conversation was invariably going to open up an old wound and remind me of a season in my life where I gave away much of the power to define myself. I asked the guy if he thought the events of that time would preclude me from consideration in this new opportunity. His response puzzled me.

“Well, that’s up to you,” he said.

I didn’t challenge him in the moment, but I listened carefully to his words. “It’s up to me?” It didn't make sense. Hmm.

After a couple days of reflection I began to understand. You see, the deal with giving away power is that it’s all going on inside of me. Not those I’ve given the power to. So, taking back the power to stand and live in the truth of being me is simply a choice that I alone can make. “It’s up to you” makes all the sense in the world.

Act 2 Scene 42: VP from Corporate

The characters: Business unit executive with direct reports and the VP from corporate…

The scene: VP requests meeting with detailed progress reports from executive and the individual team members. At the meeting, VP is holding a report that no members of the team have seen, asking pointed and specific questions about data that the team was not prepared to answer. One team member admits that they have not focused on the area that the VP is drilling on. Meeting ends silently.

How might they have handled the situation differently?

In the debrief, we laid out the data above plus the story and emotions. The Team sensed that the VP was on a hunt and they were trapped. It was apparent that the VP was acting out of his own stress behaviors… someone had apparently hammered on him about an unrealistic new revenue target to which he had committed, and he was hammering on the team. Fear and anger were rising. Team members were fearful of where it was headed as other layoffs have occurred. Executive was angry that the team was blindsided. The meeting ended with unresolved direction and high tension.

"Huh. Isn’t that interesting?” So, when the group noticed their own emotions coming up… both fear and anger… they might have said…

“I notice that you seem to be focusing on an area that we are unprepared for, and that you don’t really want to talk about the prepared progress reports. What is it that you really want to talk about? What is it that you really want?"

By refocusing the discussion on what it is the VP really wanted, the team may have been able to give the VP a win without losing much. The win would have been getting him the space to clearly state what he wanted and to be heard by the team. My guess is the “real want” in this was some assurances around an unrealistic target. In the process, he may have owned his own fear or anger and gotten to the truth of his own concern that the unrealistic revenue target was indeed unrealistic.

What do you think?

Where are the Dolphins?

What is it about dolphins playing near the shore that lifts our spirits? I don’t care how bad it is, seeing the dolphins ALWAYS makes things a bit better. My sense is that it is impossible to see the dolphins and not feel joy. And, when we’re feeling joy, we’re not feeling anger, sadness, or fear!

Being confronted with the beauty of nature… the simple pleasure of three dolphins surfing a wave, or playfully breaching, or just slowly cruising by in their daily food run… somehow resets the system for me. It puts me in right relationship with everything. It reconnects me and lifts me out of the morass and says all is well… even when it is difficult.

The dolphins remind me that joy comes when we look outside ourselves and become appreciative. It’s the simple gesture of reaching out to comfort or celebrate another person, reflecting on the divine, taking a deep breath and saying “thanks!’.

What is the Fear?

Let’s face it: Hidden fear is more powerful than disclosed fear. Pastor Rick Warren, the king of acronyms and alliterations, cites fear as “False Evidence Appearing Real.” And, it’s scary stuff.

So, what resonates for you in this picture? The shark cruising the neighborhood looking for a tasty treat… or the surfer who thought he was simply out for an afternoon of fun? Are you more likely to play a role of villain, or victim? Or, would you be the lifeguard hero on the beach coming to save the day?

The interesting thing about fear is what happens to us when we’re gripped by it. Often, we slip into characters… call them dramatic roles … and play out these scripts that we’ve been playing our whole lives… the man afraid of conflict who “goes small”… the woman afraid of being betrayed who turns into an icy cold emotionless villain… the office manager afraid of losing her sense of worth who saves the day by staying until all hours of the night.

The antidote for hidden fear is to bring it into the light. Disclose it. Own it. Step outside of it and ask, “What’s really going on here?”

So, who are you playing right now?

What Advice Do You Have For Them?

We were about to wrap up for the day. It had been a tough morning with difficult issues. Out of left field, one of the members said, “Could we spend a few minutes talking about some tactical steps that we need to figure out? Frankly, we don’t know what we should do!”

We didn't have much time, so I invited the whole group to stand up from the couch and come across to the other side of the room for a huddle and then whispered something like…

“So, there’s this group sitting over there on the couch and they don’t know what to do. What advice do you have for them?”

And, guess what? Immediately, ideas began coming forth. Things began to get un-stuck. “Well, they could just…” and pretty soon everyone was building off of the other ideas. When they wound down, I invited them to take a few steps further away and said…

“Okay, now it’s six months from now. The issue that group on the couch was facing has successfully resolved. Where do you think they are now? What have they learned?”

And we talked some more. More ideas. More creativity. And then, I asked, “So, from this place of successful resolution, what words of encouragement do you have for that group on the couch?”

And, out came the most positive, upbeat, “take no prisoners”, “go get ‘em” remarks imaginable!

Will they be successful? I don’t know. But, they sure got some great support from that group standing on the other side of the room!

Whose Voice Was That?

And then he told me about a spat with his wife the night before. They were visiting one of his construction job sites and his wife had said “Wouldn’t it look better to extend the awning over this whole section?”

He had gone ballistic. “Don’t you know I’ve been working on this design for months and that it is way too late in the process for changes like that?” And on and on. Everyone had retreated into their corners before it was over.

“Huh,” I said. “So, what did you make her comment mean?”

Silence. “Good question. I’ll have to write that down.”

“Well? It sounds like her comment landed in your universe as something more than just her comment. What did it mean to you? What was the message you received?”

“That I’ve fallen short. Didn’t do it right. That I never do things right.”

“Wow. She didn’t say all that. Whose voice was it you heard?”

Silence. “I hate you. It was my dad. I could never do anything right in his eyes.”

“Sounds like you emptied your truck at the wrong dump, huh?”

“Yeah. Thanks. “

“What do you want to have happen now?”

And on it goes…