The Good Question

When is the Right Time?

2012-01-24T21:06:00.000-08:00

A younger cousin posted a comment the other day about the Boston Bruin hockey player declining an invitation to the White House amidst his protest of "the times". I agreed with her sentiment... that it was bad form for the guy to stay behind... on the basis that "there is a time to speak one's mind, and a time to pull up your big boy pants and do the uncomfortable thing you don't want to do..." But it begs the question... "When is the right time?" Or, "Is now the right time to speak my mind?"

This is not a pefect calculus. There have been many times... perhaps the odd CLM ("Career Limiting Moment")... that I have regretted speaking up. Not that my point was not valid, but that the time and place were not appropriate. My sense is that it is always a good thing to understand my "truth"... that is, my opinion, belief, assessment, understanding, or "what I make it mean." But it's not necessarily always good to speak it out. Sometimes restraint is in order.

Years ago, I heard a quote that might fit here... "they will care what you know when they know that you care." I've taken that to mean, "focus first on relationship and then the sharing of knowledge or opinion will follow naturally." My experience is that when I focus first on the relationship, the desire for authenticity and ability to remain curious over becoming defensive increases. And, perhaps that's what it takes for people that are in disagreement to come together... a mutual desire to be in relationship and a desire for authenticity.

We live in a polarized world. My desire is to come together with people of differences and to seek relationship first, trusting that as growth occurs what appeared to be hard at first will become easy.

Onward!

V

Two Good Questions for a New Year

2011-12-30T14:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the best things in life are the simplest.

Question #1: "What's working well?"

It's a great place to start because it shifts my mind to appreciation over fear or other emotions. It focuses my mind on what I have as opposed to what I don't have. To help me break it down, I'll ask some "sub-questions"...
-What's working well mentally? Physically? Spiritually? Relationally?
-What's working well in my work? In my personal life? In my living situation?

If I'm honest with myself, there are always a lot of things in my life working well. So, I like to stop and think about those things... and then,

Question #2: "What Could be Better?"

Pretty simple. And, to help me dig, I can ask:
-Where do I see opportunity for improvement or growth?
-Where am I experiencing dissatisfaction?

Sometimes I'll assign a "satisfaction score" of 0 (low) to 10 (high) to the various parts of my life. Anything scored less than an "8" begs the question... "What would be happening in this area of my life to score an 8?"

These two simple questions begin the process of strategic thinking necessary to set a plan in motion. There's likely more exploration in order, but it's a great place to start.

Happy New Year!
Vince

If I lost ten pounds...

2011-12-28T15:33:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite questions is... "What is it you complain about changing but never do?" It's a good question because it launches a series of other good questions that sometimes result in change!

The most common response is "I complain about my weight and say I want to lose ten pounds" or something like that... especially around the holidays. What is it about weight loss that is so difficult that it has created a multi-billion dollar industry?

So, at this time of year, many of us willingly jump into the grasp of the multi-billion dollar weight loss or health and fitness industry. We generally make new commitments to eat less and exercise more.

Before we do that though, perhaps it would be good to get to the root of what we make our weight mean. It's surprising what I hear on that one...

"Losing that weight would mean that I could set a goal and achieve it... which would challenge a belief I have about myself that says I'm no good at setting and achieving goals... which of course is ridiculous because I set and achieve goals all the time at work... but I learned that I'm not a good goal setter a long time ago when my grandmother told me so and that I really shouldn't worry too much about planning for the future and should just be happy in the moment... so in a way if I set a personal goal and achieve it I would be saying that my grandmother was wrong, which is hard because I really loved my grandmother... so... if I lose this weight it would be showing disrespect to my grandmother and I won't do that."

Yikes. I wonder what Grandma would have to say about all that? Or to bring it closer to home, What do you make your weight mean?

This journey is not always easy. Sometimes it invites us to face things we have been struggling with for years. And, perhaps, it is worth it.

Onward!

V

If you knew you couldn't fail...

2011-12-05T23:38:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite questions with a new group is... "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" It's open-ended and brings up all kinds of responses...

"I'd get a PhD."

"I'd cure world hunger."

"I'd make sure everyone has the chance to travel internationally."

Really? No, it's not world hunger... but it might be a remarkable bit of peace making. Years ago, a good friend told me... "you can't hate someone you know"... and it stuck. My sense is that when we get out of our own comfortable and cozy place and people-group we see things differently. It takes some doing these days to get off the beaten track and interact with people that are... well... different. And, one of the things I've learned over the years is that we aren't all that different.

Tomorrow is a long travel day to Warsaw, Poland. I've just finished "The Zookeeper's Wife" and am in the middle of "Skeletons at the Feast" to get my head oriented. The Polish story has had some rough spots. I'm looking forward to seeing how the country has re-invented itself, to meeting up with some people from different backgrounds, to reflecting on the past and how it is informing the present and future.

It may mean foregoing a new toy or fancier car to make travel happen, but I think it's a worthwhile endeavor. The planes fly back and forth every day.

Onward!

V

Who Might Help You?

2011-11-14T11:23:00.000-08:00

"It's really tough in the job market right now. Hard to connect."

"So, tell me how you have been trying to connect."

"Mostly on craigslist. Job boards. Electronic applications. That sort of thing."

"Who have you spoken to?"

"Well, it's hard to talk to anyone. No one who is hiring wants to talk."

"Hmm. I can see how you might create that story. It kind of supports your theory."

"Ouch."

"So, who have you spoken to? Who might help you?"

"I don't know."

"Well, when you don't know something, what do you do?"

"Find out."

"How?"

"By talking with someone."

"We're in a loop, aren't we?"

"Okay. Let me think. I know a lot of people. Let me think about who might want to help me."

"Great. What about the people your friends know? You know... it's not the people you know, but the people who know the people you know."

"Run that again?"

"We all know people. And, they like to help us because we're friends. But, it's the friends of our friends that really multiply the strength of our social network. Because, by helping us, they also are helping a friend. It's like a two-for-one deal. Very powerful."

"So, I could think about the people my friends know."

"Right. And, perhaps expand your definition of friend. Who were all the old people at your wedding? Do they care about you? Who do they know?"

"Wow. That kind of opens up the field."

"It sounds like you can connect with a lot of people. And the people you know care about you. And, they know a lot of people who might help you connect in the job market. So, what's your next step?"

And, on it goes.

(For more on the idea of the power of friends and "weak ties", check out Ethan Watters' "Urban Tribes")

How Should We Then Live?

2011-10-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple weeks I’ve had too many friends of friends my age drop dead… a couple with no notice and a couple after lengthy illnesses. Then there is Steve Jobs. It all stirs the pot and raises the question for me…

“How should we then live?”

Life is precious. It is fleeting. It’s not a dress rehearsal. And, it’s easy to say… “live in the moment” or make statements like “stop to smell the flowers”… but it’s harder to define a specific strategy for how to live or define a target to shoot for. Perhaps the question is more about laying down a set of rails, principles, or guidelines, by which we navigate the onslaught of day to day decisions. Similar to “values” but with a little more teeth, or specificity, to help us make the decision of going left, or right, or more likely the ever so slight left or momentary veer to the right. My sense is our lives are lived in the bob and weave of the here and now. Achievement of some sort of change or progress then is only noticed when we stop and take a look back on the trail to see how we have in fact changed, or grown. All of which benefits from the time of reflection on the “how.” And, it seems like “how” I lived as a young dad or career professional morphs as I age and the chapter pages turn and the beliefs I held dear are questioned.

Nice reflections after a day at Thoreau's Walden Pond near Concord in Massachussets.

Onward!

V

(And, for more on the idea... consider reading Dr. Francis Schaeffer's "How Should We Then Live?" 50th Anniverary edition. 2005. Crossway Publishing, Wheaton, Illinois.

I'm Not Mad!

2011-09-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

When someone tells me what they are "not"... there is a very good chance that it is, in fact, exactly what they are. This almost always comes up in conversations around anger.

What is it about our polite society that says "anger is bad?" I'll concede that hitting someone over the head with a baseball bat while in a state of rage is bad. But, all anger? Not in my world.

When I feel angry and I say that I am not angry, I am lying to myself. I am disconnecting from my truth and beginning to create a made-up fantasy story of life as I want it to be. What a waste of energy! When I am mad... it's okay to FEEL MAD!

And the irritating thing to me is this. When someone tells me they are not mad... and they are... I get mad!!! Damn you!!!

"I'm not mad. I'm just frustrated." Ha! What's the difference between frustration and anger? NOTHING! Any number of words we use all fall into the primary emotion bucket labeled "Anger"... frustrated, irritated, dissappointed, pissed, crossed, de-valued, violated... all point to anger. So kids... when we're angry, express it as anger. "I feel angry!"

AND... keep the baseball bats in the closet. Protect yourself and your loved ones from leaking anger. Go hit a tree. Talk it out with a trusted friend. Go to the batting cages. Try and push that brick wall three feet south. Anything to release some energy so that we can talk about the anger, as opposed to being driven by it.

Okay?

How Can I Make it Right?

2011-09-14T14:17:00.001-07:00

"So team, how do we support one another when one of us stumbles or falls?"

Great question! Unless, you are the CEO and you are the one who has stumbled.

Ouch.

The CEO-employee relationship has unequal power because the CEO ultimately signs the paycheck of everyone in the room. And, this creates a parent-child dynamic. And, the ice gets very thin when parents ask their kids for support. Why is that?

A child cannot be asked to provide for the emotional needs of the parent. At some level, this defines abuse, or at the very least co-dependency.

A child will always want to please the parent, even when it goes against their nature or their desire or "what is right". So, in this way we risk asking the child to step away from authenticity and into a masked character or persona. Again, not the target we're aiming for as parents... or as CEO's.

Children need to know that parents have the maturity to self-generate their own support and affirmation. They also need to know we're human. And, that we take 100% responsibility for our emotions and our actions.

So when a parent stumbles... or a CEO... the appropriate response in my belief is to clear the issue while taking 100% responsibility for it. "I did this. I see my mistake. And, I feel bad. I also see how it affects you. How can I make it right with you?"

When we first hear the question... "how can I make it right?"... we assume that whoever we are asking it of will come back with horrendous, over-the-top, or impossible demands. Not my experience. The question, when asked in a curious and "want-to-be-in-relationship" kind of way more often brings humility, mercy, understanding and connection. Wow. And... that is what I want with my kids... and my employees.

Onward!

V

(More? "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, PhD)

What if you do nothing?

2011-09-07T10:43:00.001-07:00

She had laid out her whole story... all the background data, her assessment of the issues and how she perceives them , how her emotions are in play, and she was beginning to develop some options for moving forward.

And then, one of the other forum members asked, "What if you do nothing?"

Ha! Talk about stopping a train on a dime. Quiet filled the room.

"Well, it might just work itself out. We're doing a lot of the right things. Maybe it is just time..."

Sometimes when we get caught up in being "action-oriented" people we forget that "doing nothing" is a viable option. And, at the very least, reflecting on where the "doing nothing trail" might lead is an effective way to become an observer of my own life. It lifts me out of my desire for action, and helps me take stock from a different perspective.

And, doing nothing is sometimes the very best thing to do.

Onward!

V

"Action Plan" or "Plan Action"?

2011-08-31T18:53:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting play on words, isn't it?

Do I act... and then plan? Or, do I plan and then act?

The truth be told, I sometimes act first and then figure out how to back a plan in to wherever it is that I now find myself. Some people call this... "shoot the arrow and then run real quick and move the target so that the arrow hits the bullseye."

I've been with a group for a while now... highly successful, proud history, solid growth trend... and a little stuck in the success of their own success. They do a lot of good things... but there is a sense that they could be more than what they are.

As we navigate through the process of "un-stucking" a whole host of good ideas have come forward of things we could do... actions. And, in the absence of plan... a defined set of targets and goals... all those good ideas may in fact be good... and they might also get us to the top of the wrong mountain.

My desire is that Plans Drive Actions. Every step we take then is a conscious choice made with the knowledge of who we want to be and where we want to go.

What do you think?

Onward!

V

What's Next (Part Deux)?

2011-08-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

On my birthday in March I wrote about "What's next?" Ha! Sometimes life happens while we're making other plans.

A month earlier in February, (as I've also written), I was up on the Colorado Continental Divide snow shoeing in -17 degree weather. That's cold. And, my toes have never regained full feeling. And then it spread to my feet. And up my legs. Eventually I had no sense of skin touch on my legs and arms. A fly can walk all over and I don't feel a thing.

My regular doctor was worried about all kinds of dire diseases and sent me off to a Neurologist who poked and prodded (literally, with an electric cattle prod) and took blood and pictures to find something wrong. And the MRI showed a benign tumor in my head, putting pressure on the carotid artery. I wrote about all that a few months ago.

Off to the Neuro Surgeon. More tests. More pictures. And, I learned today... no surgery. The body is wonderfully redundant and the other carotid artery is performing quite nicely. Plenty of blood to the brain.

So, the flies can still land (it's kind of a good thing out in the desert) and I don't feel them. My legs buzz all the time. And, I don't have any of the dire diseases that might cause it. The L5 vertebrae may be a little compressed and there may be some holdover from the T12/L1 compression fracture from a few years ago... and well... I'm 52.

What's next? An appreciation for what I don't have... and an appreciation for what I do. Life. Great relationships. A nice home. And? More laps in the pool and more yoga. Vitamin B12. Maybe some more accupuncture.

I've also taken on a new volunteer commitment to coach the leaders of the YMCA of Armenia through a strategic planning process. I'll be heading there on Sunday. And on the way back I'll be having dinner with two good friends from Belfast who are in London for the weekend. Perhaps the three of us will straighten things out while we're there.

So, What's Next?

What's your plan?

2011-07-30T14:57:00.000-07:00

It is hard to listen sometimes. It is hard not to fix the problem. Easier to offer a solution. Tell 'em what they oughta do.

I'm having coffee with a friend the other day. Our house had been broken into while on vacation and we lost an ancient TV, a nice Bose system, and a bag of currency from all the countries I have visited. Not a great loss, but still a loss. I was sharing how it felt... anger, sadness.

"You need to get an alarm system."
"And, you should add the stolen currency to the police report."
"Actually, you should just get someone to housesit when you are away."
"You live on a busy street. You should get those lights that turn on automatically."
"You should have left on more lights. I would have left more lights on."

Finally, I noticed what was happening and I said... "you know, you'd make a lousy coach."

And, he stopped, looking a little sheepish.

"Yeah, I'd be mad too," he said trying to pull out of his Mr. Fix-It Man role and hear my emotion.

So, it's one thing to hear the emotion that I was expressing. That felt good. But I also noticed that the question I wanted him to ask was... "what's your plan?" Because, that would have been a good question! And, it would have invited me to move through the emotion I was expressing and into a forward-looking posture. "What's next?" is almost always helpful once the emotion of the moment has dissipated.

Of course I would have said, "I don't know!" because I don't have a plan. What I want though is to explore my thoughts and fears around home security and to put aside all the voices of others so that I can discover what I want. Because that's where my life will be lived!

My Dad used to say "Don't should on me." I guess the old man had something there.

What is Really Important?

2011-07-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

My favorite Aunt is turning 80. She doesn't have a mobile device or a computer so she won't know that I just gave up her age. She's the Aunt that still sends out handwritten cards for every occasion.. birthdays, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, you name it. And, her cards are always full of whatever news is lighting up the family telephone tree. There's a party for her next week but we were passing through Grants Pass where she lives and had dinner with her last night.

At one point I asked her, "What is really important in life?"

"Living for who you are and who you want to be. Not living for who others think you should be."

Nice. That we should all be so clear.

She Said. He Heard.

2011-06-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

She said: "I shouldn't have to tell you how to express love to me. You should just know... naturally."

He heard: "I'm a screw-up. I don't know how to love well."

Then he remembered: "I get to choose how her statements land for me."

He re-framed his thoughts: "Ah. Perhaps she struggles expressing clear wants. What's my part in this? What can I own?"

Then he explored: "Well, I can listen intently and affirm her when she does express a want. I can offer her optional choices from time to time and learn about her wants. I can experiment with different kinds of love expressions and see what lands as love for her... time, touch, service, gifts, words... I could find a time when the tension is low and invite her to tell me some stories about when she has felt loved. When her wants were heard. And, I can listen and learn."

Making the shift from "I don't love well" to "I can listen and learn how to take full responsibilty for my part in this relationship" isn't easy. It takes guts. It takes owning MY part... and not owning THEIR part.

What do you think?

Where is My Identity?

2011-05-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've never stayed at a hospital. But for my annual cold, I'm never sick. I am the healthy guy. And, what I'm learning these days is that I need to be the healthy guy. I need to be the guy that climbs mountains, never gets sick, skiis all day, easily swims a mile, and eats whatever he wants and keeps the same weight as when he was 35.

Uh oh. Red flag.

When someone says to me that they need something more than food, air, or water, the flags go up. Because food, air, and water are needs. Most everything else is a want. But, when we need something, we will often do loopy things to either prove to the world that we have it (even if we don't), or defend ourselves in not having it, or whatever it takes to assuage some fear that is embedded in not being whatever it is we are needing.

Yikes.

As I've wandered down the medical pathway these past few months, my body is telling me that all is not well. My persona of "healthy guy" is being challenged. And, I don't like that. So, I get mad. And I eat. And I politely reject the care and concern of others. And I stay in my cave and only do what absolutely must be done. What drama!

So, what to do? Breathe. And, breathe again. And ask myself...

"Who am I if I'm not the healthy guy?"

Pause. Breathe.

I'm me. And that's plenty enough.

Onward!

V

When are you in your Genius?

2011-05-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

There are some things in my life where I am good. And, a few things where I might be great. And there is always the possibility to pursue excellence. But what about genius?

My sense is that there is genius wired into each of us... and we know we are in our genius when we're doing that thing that is almost effortless, where the results that we derive are greater than the sum of what we put in.

This weekend at the Doheny Blues Festival I witnessed genius. John Fogarty and Mavis Staples were there and you could sense their 40 years of performance grace and excellence. But there was also a young band from Germany playing on the "back porch" named "BB and The Blues Shack" and they were in their genius... the lead singer/harmonica, the lead guitarist, the keyboardist... all of them were in pure joy as talent, practice, heart, and soul all came together and the music flowed effortlessly.

I've seen a lot of talented people in my day. Few though give me that choked up feeling where I know I'm witnessing something special. When are you in your genius?

Onward!

V

What are we Learning?

2011-05-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

"So, what are we learning?" I asked the Neurologist.

He gives me a puzzled expression. "No one has ever asked me the question quite like that. Good question though."

"I like good questions."

"Well, we've ruled out diabetes, cancer, back injury, HIV/AIDS, and Vitamin B-12 deficiency as the cause of your neuropathy."

"Okay."

"But the MRI turned up a tumor in your brain where the neck and head come together. It's benign. And, it's causing you to lose feeling in your arms and legs."

"Okay. What about Multiple Sclerosis?"

"Nope. You're clear. No lesions."

Relief. Joy.

There is something about moving something from the unknown to the known that brings comfort. I don't care how bad something is, just tell me what it is and I can play the hand out. Deal with it. Develop the critical task list that needs to get done. I can deal with a brain tumor. Especially a benign one.

I don't know yet what the path will be from here. But, we'll learn as we go. And, I am grateful and appreciative for the concern and care expressed toward me these last few months.

My takeaway? Every step we take is an opportunity to ask... "What are we learning?" and an opportunity to give thanks for what we have.

Onward!

V

Is it worth the risk?

2011-05-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

"If you had gone by our house last Saturday you would have seen people playing dominoes and talking in the driveway and heard kids playing kickball and volleyball in the backyard. It might have looked like a pretty fun time! Well, it was, thankfully, but it was also much more than that. Something happens when people come together and start getting to know each other, something bigger than anyone can quite put their finger on. It's that feeling you get when you're surrounded by people you love and all of a sudden the beauty of it hits you. It's warmth, it's love, it's fellowship, and it's also exactly what the world need right now. The more I learn about all kinds of social ills, the more I am convinced that many of them could be significantly ameliorated if we all took the time to get to know each other. Imagine a world where nobody falls through the cracks because everybody is known: nobody ends up on the streets, no child drops out of school, no elderly person is left lonely or abandoned, no single mother has to raise her children on her own, and no one misses out on the joys of friendship. To know, to care, to love, and to be known, to be cared for, and to be loved. This is true community. So while it might have just looked like a bunch of people having a good time on a Saturday afternoon, it was also a neighborhood coming together and taking that first step toward building community. Beautiful."

So, is it worth the risk to reach out to another, to get to know someone who might be different, to risk involvement?

I pulled this from my daughter Janelle's monthly newsletter on her year-long internship in an inner city neighborhood of Houston. I think she has found her answer to the question... YES! And, she closes the newsletter with...

"In the meantime: There will never be a moment when absolutely everything is perfect, and most things will take quite awhile to be anything good. So, in the meantime, I'd like to keep being grateful and trying to love the people around me. It may just be that the "meantime" is really all that matters and all we have."

Onward!

V

(Check out http://www.missionyear.org/)

What's next?

2011-03-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

My good friend Kaley once said her aspiration was to "live in a place I love, with a man I love, and do work that I love..." and how she had achieved all three. Pretty cool.

Today I was in the High Sierras... Mammoth Mountain to be exact... a place I love. I was with three friends who challenge and inspire me... people I love. And, we were skiing hard... doing something I love. What could be a better way to usher in 52?

This past year has included a fair amount of transition... home, relationships, graduations and marriages, evolving work. This next year is shaping up to be about grounding and perhaps scratching my "build something" itch. I've done buildings, and organizations, and people... even an ice rink... "I wonder what's next?"

Onward!

V

Which Way?

2011-03-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

Tough decisions are tough. Which way should I go? Should I change jobs? Should I end this relationship? And, while it might be easy to say... "Figure out where you want to get to" first... it sometimes seems like answering that question is just as hard. Like Alice, we often don't know exactly where it is we want to get to. What to do?

How about doing nothing? Put it in the pot and let it simmer for a bit. But unless you like mushed carrots, you can't leave the carrots in the pot too long. So, here's a path:

First, assess the data. What are the facts? And by facts, I mean facts... not the stories you make up about the facts. Hard data. Times, dates, places... all the stuff a video camera could have recorded.

Next, get honest with yourself about the stories you are making up. What are the competing voices in your head saying? Admit it, we all have them, so cozy up and have a beer or cup of tea with each of the competitors. What do those inner voices want? How are they trying to protect you? How have they perhaps propelled you in the past but possibly sabotage you in the present? In any event... own your assessments, your judgments, beliefs, stories, predictions of the future, all of it.

And then... stop. And, feel. How are you feeling? Where are you feeling it in your body? Is that excitement? Fear? Sadness? Anger? Whatever you are feeling, just feel it.

My sense is that unless we are able to separate the facts, fiction and feelings the soup will remain in the pot on the stove. Whatever "wants" we might think we want will be clouded with un-owned stories and un-expressed emotions. So, we must do the hard work.

And then... go play! Really? Yes, play. When you want to connect with your deepest desires of who you are and what you want in life, go play. Do something creative. Something that is uniquely you. Enjoy yourself. Get dirty. Enjoy being you. You'll be amazed with what happens. And, if nothing happens, at least you will have had some fun. :)

Too often, we ask "what should I do?" when the better question is "what do I want?" When I am clear on my "want", the "do" part comes easily. Try it.

Be well,
V

Letting Go of My Need To Be Right

2011-02-24T23:04:00.000-08:00

"Facebook is no substitute for real relationship!"

"Bah! It's how I stay connected!"

"Fine. Then, let's never do another offsite. In fact, let's just run the whole company on Facebook."

"Okay! Fine by Me!"

"Na Na Na!"

"Na Na Na Na!"

Hmm.

So, I'm with an executive team that is made up of 30-, 40-, and 50-somethings. Some grew up with rotary telephones. Some have never used a phone that had a wire connected to it. The company is hip, relevant, and attractive to a target market under 40.

While discussing critical success factors, I asked, "Can you let go of your need to be right?" and got more than a few blank stares.

Some got it... they smiled and said... "you're inviting us to become curious, aren't you?" Others couldn't let go of their position.

It seems to me that success will be found in our ability to let go of our need to be right in favor of our desire to connect. Being right has little value if the end result is alienation, isolation, and disconnection. If our desire is to meet people (clients, co-workers, friends, lovers) where they are at, it matters not whether we are right, but only that we are willing to let go of our well-staked position and become curious about the possibilities.

What do you think?

How Does it Serve You?

2011-01-19T13:56:00.000-08:00

"I get that you want that. But, how does it serve you to stay right where you're at?"

"It doesn't serve me! I hate it!"

"Hmm. Well... if it didn't serve you somehow... perhaps in a way that protects you from something bigger or darker... than you would have likely gotten what you wanted a long time ago."

"Go on."

"It's your turn. How does it serve you to not change?"

"I don't have to fail. If I never really commit, than I never really fail."

"So, it sounds like you have your life set up so you don't get what you want because you don't take the risk of failing?"

"I guess so. And, the next question you're going to ask is, "Am I willing to take the risk? and the answer is Yes. I want this. And I am willing to take the risk of failure... because to do nothing, or to stay in this spin cycle, is not working."

"Cool."

Who Has My Back?

2011-01-04T22:35:00.001-08:00

Me: "Back! You're killing me. It's my first day on the slopes this year... give me a break!"
Back: "Well, it's about time you noticed. You've been trying to ignore me the last couple hours."
Me: "Okay. You've got my attention. What's going on?"
Back: "Well, you're carrying some extra baggage."
Me: "No! I'm within 4 pounds of my ideal fighting weight!"
Back: "Not that kind of baggage. Look over your shoulder. You're carrying Jim, and your dad, and Dave, Keith, Tony, Kaley, Chris, Glen, Ted, Brad... all your enouragers, critics, butt-kickers and all their expectations and desires for you. They're adding a lot of weight to our skiing today. You're worried more about what they would think about your skiing than enjoying the day of skiing!"
Me: "Whoa."
Back: "Yeah, whoa. What do you want to do?"
Me: "Well, first of all I want to thank you. Not for being such a pain, but for raising the flag on what's going on. And, I want to take a breath here and send some love your way."
Back: "Ah. I'm relaxing a bit now."
Me: "And, I'm going to relax a bit too. It's just a day on the slopes. And, it's beautiful. There is no need to manage the story for anyone else. I may take a break. I don't really need to ski 25,000 vertical feet today. It's my first day on the slopes. Perhaps we could be a bit more gentle with each other."
Back: "Perfect."
Me: "Thanks."

What Do You Make That Mean?

2010-12-26T22:46:00.001-08:00

And then he said, "I've given into the notion that I am going to drink on New Years."

"Okay," I said. "You've talked about your commitments to limit alcohol. So, what do you make that mean? The drinking on New Years."

"Well, it means I won't have to let everyone know that I struggle with drinking."

"Not buying it."

"What?"

"I'm not buying it. I don't think this is about you not wanting people to know you struggle with drinking. What are you really making it mean?"

"Hmm. Well, it's my job to make sure everyone has a good time. So, in a sense it means I'm doing my job."

"What do you think of people that don't do their job?"

"Losers."

"Ah. So you're a loser if you don't drink on New Years. It sounds like that's what you make it mean. It also sounds like you believe no one will have a good time if you're not drinking. Is that a responsibility you want to take on?"

"Hmm. And, no. Thanks."

"My pleasure. What's your plan?"

"To take responsibilty for me on New Years, and not everyone else. I may drink, but it will be because I want to. And, only because I want to and choose to. I will weigh that choice against my other commitments."

Cool. Happy New Year.

I Notice Your Tears

2010-12-18T23:26:00.000-08:00

What is it about tears that freaks us out? Who wrote the rule that says... "apologize if tears show up."?

It seems to me that tears are the best indicator of life. They mean that your heart and your head are connected on the same body!

"What do your tears mean?" is a great question when someone is in their emotional aliveness. It is surprising how often we don't know until we stop to take a breath and reflect for a minute... Am I sad? Joyful? Angry? Fearful? It could be anything!

I look forward to the day when tears are a natural and welcomed part of our lives... business and personal! To me, it will mean that we have embraced the notion that emotions simply are... and are not to be avoided. Allowing the gentle flow of tears moves us closer to being able to talk about our emotions as opposed to being driven by them.

Onward!

V

Where are you right now?

2010-11-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

“If you ask people to imagine winning the lottery,” Dr. Gilbert says, “they typically talk about the things they would do — ‘I’d go to Italy, I’d buy a boat, I’d lay on the beach’ — and they rarely mention the things they would think. But the data suggest that the location of the body is much less important than the location of the mind, and that the former has surprisingly little influence on the latter. The heart goes where the head takes it, and neither cares much about the whereabouts of the feet.”

So, where are you right now? Or better said, "Where are your thoughts right now?"

The study that produced the above quote found that those people who focused their minds on what they were doing in the moment were happier than those whose minds wandered. And, we live at a time where we have been acculturated to mind wandering... to your phone, laptop, TV screen, to the unfinished conversation or the difficult conversation that hasn't occurred yet.

I notice when I am mountain biking down a steep hill that it requires 100% of my concentration. Same with a challenging mogul run. And, there is nothing better in the world! For me, "rest" often has more to do with "giving my mind a rest" than "giving my body a rest". And, when I am in an activity that requires 100% concentration, regardless of the physical exertion, I come away feeling rested. And, happy.

So, where are your thoughts right now? What do you do that requires 100% presence?

Onward!

V

Click to read the full New York Times article.

"If Meg wants to do that, I'll be glad to do that."

2010-11-08T13:41:00.000-08:00

In the week before the California Governor's election, a campaign typified by particularly bruising negative attacks, both candidates for governor were appearing together and asked if they would take down their negative ads.

Jerry Brown, the former governor who was ultimately elected said, "If Meg wants to do that, I'll be glad to do that."

And Meg said, "I will take down any ads that could be even remotely construed as a personal attack, but I don't think we can take down ads that talk about where Gov. Brown stands on the issues."

So, who gets the gold star for clear communication today?

Sadly, not re-elected Jerry. While Meg got booed for her remark, Jerry was lauded with praise. But what did he really say? Look carefully.

He said nothing!

He played a classic move of political non-speak. He could have said, "I want to take down the negative ads." Or better yet, "I will take down all negative ads. Meg, will you agree to that?" But he didn't say that. he said, "If Meg wants to..."

My desire is for leaders to speak their wants clearly, recognizing that we don't always get what we want. I want leaders to propose solutions. Alternatives. I want leaders to seek clean agreements.

And, sometimes I don't get what I want.

Onward!

V

MAN SAVED FROM HIMSELF

2010-11-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

"A Metro-area area man was rescued this past fall from himself. Sources close to the incident said that a business executive was buried alive in his own past for decades. Astonshingly he didn't even recognize it until recently. A near crisis situation was avoided when an unidentified California man known only as "The Guy" assisted in providing a shovel that allowed the man to dig his way out. The executive is recovering nicely and expected to make a full recovery by finding his own life."

What would be the headline for your life today? What would the one paragraph summary have to say?

Onward!

V

The Road to Peace

2010-10-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Over the entryway of the Jerusalem YMCA is a quote of storied and uncertain origin, often referred to as "The Peace Saying"..."In the essentials, unity; in the non-essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity." The YMCA has served as a beacon of peace in this divided community for generations and earned a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for the role it has played. My sense is that one of the reasons for its success in this area has been the ability to discern the difference between essentials and non-essentials.

When I let go of my need to be right, or when I open myself up to the possibility of differing points of view, I create peace... peace with God, with myself, with others. I open myself up to the path of curiosity and wonder... "What are the essentials here?"

Onward!

V

DK Squared

2010-09-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

I love the moment when I am confronted with something I didn't know I didn't know (DK Squared for short).

It happened today while sitting in on a design innovation workshop. Now, I consider myself a somewhat savvy development/design guy... I spend a fair amount of time with folks designing outcomes and strategies and all the rest. But, today I was confronted with a really cool perspective on prototyping and piloting. I've always lumped the two together, but today some new lights went off. I became aware of an area where I could embark on some new learning... In other words, I became aware enough to know something I don't know.

The really cool part when I discover that I am DK Squared is how it sets me off on a new journey of discovery. I'm motivated to new learning and can't wait to see what I can uncover.

When was the last time you were DK Squared? Where in your life is it possible that you are? Who in your life has permission to help you know?

Onward!

V

"Who am I in This Scene?

2010-09-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's a great line in the climactic ending scene of 2009's "The Stepfather". Dylan Walsh's character has a nasty habit of changing identities to enter the lives of vulnerable unmarried women and then off them and their families when something goes awry. So, when Sela Ward's character begins to unravel his story and confronts him with his string of lies... he trips on his own "current name" and in an almost humorous way asks himself... "Who am I in this scene?"

And, I think the question applies to all of us!

Who am I in this scene? With these employees? With this partner? With my kids? In this relationship? Or, in this moment?

Am I the southern California surf dude? Am I the quiet and studious one? The outdoor guru? The reflective asker of good questions? The stern father? The compassionate friend? The kick-em-in-the butt leader?

Who knows!?! And, really... Who cares!?!

Well... I think it's important to recognize that we all fall into characters as a way of protecting ourselves from the "bad-thing-that-might-happen"... those personas that we adopted as kids, in school, away at college... they all become a cast of characters that are all riding on our bus. And sometimes, they are characters we don't necessarily like! And, sometimes those unruly characters jump into the driver's seat!

To me, the first step then is to recognize when the road is getting a little bumpy and I am moving into character. The sooner I can catch myself, take a breath... ask "Who am I in this scene?" and "What's really going on here?"... the sooner I can step into the mature posture of simply being me. Again.

Do We Have an Agreement?

2010-08-18T15:07:00.001-07:00

It may seem like a simple question... "Do we have an agreement?"... yet it is powerful . It promotes clarity. It defines desire. When answered, it means we're on the same page.

The simple task of setting a meeting time is fertile ground for unclear agreements. Is "We will meet at 10am" a clear agreement? Well, maybe. But, maybe not.

What does "meet at 10am" mean? Does it mean that's what time I get up from my desk and move toward the meeting space? Does it mean that's what time I arrive to fill up my coffee cup and get something to eat? Or does it mean that I'm in my seat, ready to work? Yep. Could be all of those. Not very clear.

Or, how about... "Will you be at the meeting on Friday?" where the response is "I'll try." In my world, the definition of "try" is often looking to get credit for something you have no intention of actually doing. So, "try" doesn't create an agreement.

"Do we have an agreement?" is binary. Response choices are "yes" or "no". If there isn't a clear "yes", we have work to do. Bring it on.

Mirror or Map?

2010-07-23T10:12:00.001-07:00

A couple years ago Tyler Gilbert went on a journey to visit 21 countries for his 21st birthday. In his published travel journal, he shares a profound thought...

"There are two kinds of travelers... those who look at maps, and those who look in mirrors. Those looking at maps are heading out. Those looking at mirrors are heading home."

Am I looking outward, to the adventure of action, to the unknown, to the possibility? Or, am I looking inward, at the change, the depth of purpose, the sense of personal awareness, of who I am?

It's the classic tension of "doing" and "being", isn't it? And, it's not a right or wrong question, but simply a recognition that we are both "human doings" and "human beings". Sometimes we are focused on the action at hand, the doing, and sometimes we are focused on who we are, the being.

Thanks Tyler.

Click here to check out his book on amazon.com

It's Budget Time

2010-07-09T15:17:00.000-07:00

I must be getting old. Because when I was cutting my teeth as a frontline operator, part of my job was to produce a balanced operating budget and then perform to it. The CEO doled out the expectation of 'balanced' (and whatever that meant) and we the operators got to work figuring it out.

Today, I hear more and more from both CEO's and front line folks that the CFO is writing and balancing the budget. Hmm. How'd that happen?

I don't know. But I'm here to get out my soapbox and stand on it.

The CFO's job is to report what has happened. And, to forecast what will happen if the present course is kept or the proposed course of action is taken. That's it.

The writing of a budget is a financial expression of a plan. The responsibility for the plan is between the CEO and the people responsible for generating the resources to execute the plan. And, that's not the CFO. If it is in your organization, than your CFO is really the COO and has lost the objectivity required of a good CFO function. I'd like to see the CFO take a vacation for the two weeks that a balanced operating plan is being developed.

Okay. I feel better. Now, all you CEO's and Frontline Operators... go write your own plans and budgets!

Good questions here...

"Whose job is it and why?"
"Whose decision is it?"
"What principles will guide our decision?"

Onward!

V

How is that working for you?

2010-07-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Rejection. Yuck. Picked last for the team, or not picked at all. Friends that have faded away as fascades melt and real-life unfolds. Voted off the island during a corporate re-structure.

Often , it is the fear of rejection that blocks me from revealing the truth of what is going on inside. It's an old tape... "If you share the truth, you will be rejected and hurt."

So, the other night I was having dinner with an out-of-town friend and shared some of what was going on in my life. He asked... "So, how is that working for you in your work?" To which I responded... "It hasn't affected it at all."

"Really?" he asked. "I would have thought your work might have gotten better. Stronger. Deeper."

And I smiled.

"You went to rejection didn't you? You thought what I asked was 'Have you been rejected?' in your work."

He was right. I went to focusing on the bad thing that might have happened, instead of the good things that have happened. Because, in truth, these last few months have produced better, stronger, and deeper work for me.

It's a familiar struggle... will I focus on the bad thing that might happen if I step out, speak my truth, expose a vulnerability... or will I focus on the good thing. Fear or appreciation.

I choose appreciation. And you?

Saying the Darndest Things

2010-05-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

Art Linkletter passed away today. Anyone over 50 might remember his 1960's TV "House Party". Bill Cosby did a version of the show in the 90's. Art was a great question asker.

And, I was one of those kids on the show. I remember loading up in a car with some other kids from my preschool and heading to the CBS studios in LA where we would be filmed. I also remember sitting on the toilet while some production assistant frantically coaxed me to get going. And I remember the little girl next to me getting out of her seat to come over and kiss me on the cheek while on camera. Perhaps she was going to marry me. I don't remember. I do remember having no idea how to answer the inevitable "what do you want to be when you grow up?" question. "Fireman" was my best answer.

So, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Ha! Now, that's a great question.

First to Fall

2010-05-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

A while back I was having a conversation with a young man attending a conference with his dad. Over the course of the two or three days, I noticed a certain discomfort or awkwardness between the two.

I began to craft the story that both the father and son were waiting for something to happen in their relationship. Perhaps they were waiting for the other to do something, to take some sort of step forward toward the other. It was like I was watching this unspoken game of “who will be the first to fall?” being played out.

“First to fall?” You know, the first to go vulnerable. To speak their truth. To state a desire in the relationship. Without a stated desire on the table it was just a game of wait and see. Of looking to the other person to take responsibility for the relationship.

“What would it look like for you to take 100% responsibility for your part in this relationship? “ I asked him.

“Well, I’d have to get clear on what I want first. Then I suppose I could take responsibility for that.”

Huh.

It seems to me that there is 200% responsibility in every relationship. I own 100% responsibility for my part and you own 100% responsibility for your part. I can’t own your part and I can’t control you… all I can do is own 100% of my part in the relationship.

When I look to someone else to define or create the relationship I desire, I give up the power to own and define my own life. Better to get clear and ask for what I want… recognizing that I don’t always get what I want. And, sometimes, I do.

Nine Friends

2010-04-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes you don't know you're thirsty until you find water," he said.

"Tell me more," I replied.

"Well, our forum has been together for eight years. We've run the course of business issues and for the last year it's been kind of flat. I know there are issues in our lives that we're not addressing... sense of purpose, empty nesting, aging parents, a couple kids falling off the rails... we've wanted to go there, but haven't known how."

"So, What do you want to have happen?"

"Well, your book opened up a path and provides a toolkit for getting us to a new level of interaction. It's about coming together as whole people... not just business leaders."

"Hmm. Is that what you want?"

"Ha! Sometimes you do get what you want! And, it's a little uncomfortable. And, it's what we want."

Cool.

"Nine Friends: Maximizing Your Forum" is now available through my website http://www.vincecorsaro.com/ or at http://www.lulu.com/ and will soon be available from any major book retailer. Pretty cool.

Mountain Driving

2010-04-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

We were driving down from Mount Baldy a million years ago in a snow storm. The road was white and we didn't have chains on. My buddy had forgotten gloves and we were both miserable. My car was front wheel drive and I was starting to slide and he said... "keep power in the wheels and look toward where you want to go... because, if you look toward where you don't want to go, you will go there."

Where am I looking today? Which way are you looking?

Old Meets New

2010-03-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

In 1970 my family stayed at the brand new Sierra Nevada Inn in Mammoth Lakes California. Our next door neighbors were part of an original investor pool and I think we stayed for free. In the 80's I stayed as a newlywed. In the 90's I stayed with my kids. And I'm staying here tonite for the second time in a month while grabbing a couple days skiing. So, what's the question?

Well, the old Inn has now become the "Sierra Nevada Lodge". It's going through a re-birth. A family in LA decided to pour a bit of themselves into the place and they've done a great job of creating an "old meets new" vibe.

And, I'm a developer at heart. I look at things as they are and can't help but envision what they could be. My wiring just screams... "what's the current condition?" and "what's the desired condition?" And then, "What are the action steps to get there?"

With the Inn I can see evidence that all kinds of good marketing questions have been asked and answered...

Who is our target market?
What is important to them?
What are we attracting them from?
What is our unique value proposition?

But I can also see how a team of people have come together to climb a big mountain. This place was tired. And they've poured themselves into it. I've talked with their sales staff, the front desk staff, the housekeeping staff and to a person they own this place. They may be employees to the outside observer, but inside, they are owners. Kudos to all the new owners.

Sometimes it may seem easier to tear it all down and start over. Wouldn't we all like to do that with our lives sometimes? Harder to re-define, re-purpose and re-create ourselves into who we want to be.

The Scenic Route

2010-03-11T19:21:00.000-08:00

"For fast acting relief, try slowing down." Lily Tomlin

In 1964 my 32-year old mom loaded up her five kids into the Oldsmobile Station Wagon and drove Route 66 from Los Angeles to her Aunt Irene's in Springfield, Illinois. I was five and only remember a few moments which have become ingrained in the family story... leaving my older brother behind at a gas station ("Really Mom, Rick isn't here!"), trying to pay for a motel with an out-of-state check ("Lady, here's a stack of out of state checks returned by the bank. We accept cash."), and celebrating another brother's birthday with a candle on a glazed donut.

There is a current relevance to my musing. A friend just drove my car from LA to Chicago on Route 66 and I will be driving it home in a couple weeks. His purpose in making the trip was to get off the superhighway... both actually and metaphorically... and slow down a bit, take in the sights, breathe the desert air, and perhaps find a part of himself in the process.

I don't have quite the esoteric motivation. I just like a good road trip... but it's worth the question... "What is it I want to have happen?"

How Does It Serve Me?

2010-03-04T23:20:00.001-08:00

A few years ago I was surfing at an unfamiliar break- Pacific Beach in San Diego- and while paddling into a wave became concerned that it was too big and that I didn’t have the capability to ride it well. By the time I made the decision to pull back I was too far in and ended up getting “sucked over the falls” and slammed on to the shallow sandy bottom. I knew immediately that things weren’t right and managed to get myself out of the water. I was stunned and disoriented but not enough to warrant medical attention on the spot.

The funny thing is that I would have likely gone uninjured if I had stayed the course and gone with it. Note to self: sometimes the risk or downside of pulling back is more then the downside of riding it out. But in the end, I had two compression fractures and my back has never been the same.

I've been to physical therapy and chiropractic. I've had folks suggest glucosomene and other pills. I do exercises and stretches. I hydrate well. But if stress is going to show up in my body, it goes straight to my back. And it's a pain.

Sometimes I wonder... how does this pain serve me? Because if it didn't serve me somehow, I would have likely dealt with it more effectively over the years. Is it possible that the pain in my back is some sort of reminder, a caution, a penance for some guilt perhaps? I don't know. I wonder if the path toward wellness is to let go of my hold on the pain. Let go of whatever it is that the pain represents. This could get a little woo-woo... but perhaps I haven't learned the lesson that the pain has for me.

No solid answer tonite. Just the question... how does holdng on to this thing... this un-changing pain in my life... serve me?

Coopetition?

2010-02-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to be in an authentic relationship with a competitor? What are the risks? What are the rewards?

There are examples aplenty of trade groups and professional associations where folks that compete in the marketplace band together for the benefit of all... but these do not have authenticity as the target. My experience in these groups is a high degree of protection over our dirty laundry.

So, I'm listening to a friend talk about his group of CEO's that are all in the same business, they are similarly sized, and they have some level of "geographic boundary" but are still competing for the same customer. And, they've formed a group with the stated desire of "coopetition"... that is, to compete cooperatively. They have agreed upon norms around expected behaviors. Confidentiality is key. Not raiding each others' employees is part of their agreement. They are openly sharing business and life issues and there is a synergy occuring between their various strengths and skills. It seems to be working for the benefit of all in that there is tremendous growth occuring in their respective businesses.

It made me curious. Am I just living in an old paradigm by thinking this is unusual? What do you think? How does this kind of competitive-cooperative thinking show up in your world?

Be well,

V

What is the Best Question?

2010-02-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

And then he offered, "The value people like you bring to our table is not only asking good questions, but helping us ask the right questions. And, I've noticed that the questions I want to ask as CEO of a big organization are quite different then the questions I asked as I was moving up through the ranks. And sometimes, I forget that and fall into old scripts."

Give me an example, I asked.

"Well, when I check in with a tactical question... "is the report completed?" for example, I get a tactical response- yes or no. Not very high value. If I ask a strategic question... "how will this report move us toward our desired outcomes?" I get a higher level response. And the home run is when I ask a generative question... "what's the story we're making up about the data in this report?" That's when I get the best from my people."

So, what's the best question for you to be asking today?

Onward!

V

What's the Good Thing That Might Happen?

2010-02-19T08:12:00.001-08:00

When I notice fear or resistance toward doing something or facing a difficult situation it is easy to go to the question... "What's the bad thing that might happen?" to get to the root of the fear.

The follow up question that I often forget to ask though is... "What's the good thing that might happen?"

It's the classic tension between fear and love... fear of the bad thing against the possibility of experiencing the joyful love in the good thing. We set our lives up to avoid the bad but then never get the good.

The fun part comes when we are willing to take the risk of the bad thing happening in order to pursue the good thing... and notice that the fear of the bad thing was all in our head anyway.

Go figure.

What do you Want?

2010-01-29T08:37:00.000-08:00

"I want to be more fit!"
"I want to eat less!"
"I want more time for fun!"

Getting clear on what I want is a big step toward getting it. But, figuring out what I want is sometimes not all that easy. Because if I knew what I wanted I probably would have already gotten it.

Wants describe a desired future. But often our wants are rooted in the past... and keep us anchored to the past. Let me explain...

When I state a want as a "more" or "less" I am anchoring myself to the past because the starting point being described is now. And by tomorrow, now is yesterday. Better to describe my want as a statement anchored to the point in the future where I have achieved it:

"My want is to be fit to pursue the activities I enjoy."
"My want is to eat well."

Sometimes a want can be stated as if it has already been accomplished, as in:

"I do something I enjoy every day."

These kinds of positively stated wants give direction to my life and provide a simple tool for evaluating every action. "My want is to eat well. How does the triple fudge brownie cake with ice cream on top align with that want?"

What do you want?

Unpacking Boxes

2009-12-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

My back hurts. At this point in life, I would not have expected the script to read “moving into a leased condo…” At once I am frustrated that the place I was buying fell out of escrow after 6 months at the seller’s initiative… and sad that my “place” in life is not more settled. The script was supposed to read… “work your career, pay off your home, ride off into the sunset…” But sometimes the script doesn’t turn as I expect. My sense of place is all haywire. In the work I do, home is defined by the location of my toothbrush and IPod. My relationships are scattered across the globe. There is very little “grounding” my life.

So, what am I holding on to?

Well first I am holding onto a story of what life was supposed to be. I’ve always aimed at doing what I was supposed to do. Hmm. Maybe that’s an issue. Perhaps, we are meant to follow our desire, our bigger wants, our vision, our unique gifts… and not so much follow the path of “supposed to.” So, in a sense, this time might be about letting go of “supposed to” and embracing the more mature “want to.” Hmm.

Another is a story that “place” is grounding. Everyone tells me I need a base camp, a home, a man cave in order to be grounded and at peace. I’m beginning to think that maybe that’s their story and perhaps not mine. Maybe there is another story.

In any event, I’ve moved to a new town (10 miles from where I’ve lived for 25 years…not a big jump). Nice ocean view. 10-minute walk to a new coffee spot. Big garage. And, as my friend Michael McGinnis wrote… It’s All Good.

So, what story are you holding on to?

Onward!

Thanks

2009-11-24T18:03:00.000-08:00

I’ve had the good fortune of travelling around much of the world and, like Dorothy, always conclude that there is “no place like home.” Southern California and the 16,000,000 other folks all huddled on the edge of the mighty blue pacific is home. I love it here.

One of my favorite things is to meet up with a friend at the beach for a walk, run, paddle, or surf. I love the ocean. I love the rhythm, the ebb and flow, the depth, the mystery.

Sometimes when I’m at the beach though I find myself focusing on the big bazillion dollar McMansions stacked next to each other on the bluffs and the fancy cars lined up at the Ritz Carlton valet and the exclusive beach club and all the things that money buys and I notice that my mind has wandered to all that I don’t have. And then, when I become conscious of it, I’ll shift my focus onto what I do have… the beauty of creation, a good friend to walk, run, paddle, or surf with, the good fortune to live in a country where I can think and speak and pray and go about life as I choose to… and I move to a place of appreciation and gratitude and thanks.

What about you?

What's the Risk?

2009-10-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

"I've never been much of a leader. I'm more of a follower," he said.

"Huh. What might happen if you stepped into leading here?"

"I'd make a mistake. I'd waste time. I'd lose money."

"Huh. What else might happen... what might you get?"

"Some freedom. Doing what I want to do... something I'm passionate about."

"Huh. So, it sounds like you've set your life up so that by not taking the risk of a mistake or wasting time you don't ever lead and get what you really want... freedom and passion."

"Hmm."

"How's that working for you?"

"It's not."

"So, are you willing to take the risk of leading, of making a mistake or wasting time or losing money to get what you really want?"

"Well, yeah. I think so."

"I'll take that as a no. You'll know it's a yes when it comes clearly as "YES" from your gut and your heart. Anything else is a no."

"Thanks. Yes. I'm willing to take the risk."

"Great. What would support for you look like?"

And, on it goes...

Grab a Beer?

2009-09-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes for a moment and get in the helicopter with me. We'll only go up a couple hundred feet and just hover there.

Now, imagine that you can look back and see that you are in fact still right where you are... and that you are able to look down on your life from the helicopter view. What's going on? Are you someone you'd want to have a beer with after work? How about someone you'd want to confide in? Go take a hike with? Seek advice from? What do you think of you?

When we're able to get honest about how we are judging or assessing ourselves, the door opens to accept ourselves right where we are. This is the truth of this moment... and it won't always be this way. It also opens the door to learn from those inner critical messages that we berate ourselves with... the "you're really not all that good..." and the like. We all have some version of this and it is in when we detach and take an outside view that we are able to recognize it as simply the critical voice inside.

In any event... maybe today is a good day to go grab a beer with yourself... or an ice tea... and have a little heart to heart.

Time for Some Kick-Ass?

2009-09-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

My goal as a facilitator is to meet the group where they are at and create a space for them to get what they want. Simple. And, I like simple.

There is a subtle complexity though which is interesting and challenging. How much structure should I bring? Should I bring a “hard edge” style or a softer, more welcoming and accepting edge? I can do the hard edge… short abbreviated sentences, clear instructions, little story or emotion, just the facts. And, I can do the soft edge… let the stories unfold a bit, embrace emotion, lead from a step behind yet still lead, keep a light grip on what is coming up and where the group wants to go.

I am noticing that many groups today are desiring the softer edge. In a rapidly changing and unsettled world environment, the soft edge seems to provide a refuge, a place of comfort, a sense of support. Not a free-for-all touchy feely love fest, yet a space that says “come inside for a time… it’s pretty tough out there right now.”

It makes me wonder about how this might translate to leadership in the workplace. Is it time for kick-ass… or is it time to take a breath and recognize that we are people first and we all have fears about what’s lurking just over the horizon?

How are you showing up with your people right now? What would support look like… for them? Have you asked recently?

Happy All The Time

2009-09-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

I own my judgment around those who pursue happiness… to me it seems hedonistic, narcissistic, and addictive… take a happy pill, get an adrenaline rush, live like it’s forever Saturday night and life is a party. So, when a friend suggested I read a book titled, “What Happy People Know”* I scoffed. He laughed. And then I read it.

My cynical critic was online as I cracked the first chapters. The author talked about evolution like it was scientific fact and made all kinds of unsupported assertions about the human condition... it was easy to put the book into the category of “feel good fluff.” I kept reading.

And then he began to explore the biological and biochemical realities of our brain structure and system, quoting legitimate research on emotional responses and brain chemistry. I was hooked.

Two quotes resonated:

“Contemporary fear almost always fits into one of two categories: fear of not having enough and fear of not being enough. Having enough and being enough are the two factors that best ensure survival in the modern world, so fears about them are rooted to the core of the neurological fear system. They’re as deep as the fear of death...”

“…The antidote for fear is love… And the purest form of love is appreciation.”

So, he had me. He scientifically described a condition that I have long suspected… that fear and love cannot occur simultaneously. And that the surest way to move from fear is to appreciate. And when we appreciate, we are tapping into the joy of who we are and who we were created to be. And that makes me happy.

*Dan Baker, PhD, “What Happy People Know” New York: St. Martins Press. 2003

You Did What?

2009-09-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

So, my mom calls the other day to share her latest adventure. Turns out there was a little party store in her town in the desert that was for sale. She had known about it for months and it had been like a little a pot of soup cooking... she'd been playing with the idea, adding a little salt, pondering on how it might fit into her life and what she wanted, letting it simmer. And then, she bought it.

What?

Now, I won't give you my mom's age, but you can approximate based on the fact that I'm 50. So, what is she doing buying a store?!? That rents bounce houses and sells pinatas?!?

Well, maybe she's acting on purpose. She knows who she is and who she's not. She's not the grandma ready to sit in the rocking chair. She's vibrant, alive. She desires to be connected with people. And who better to connect with than people throwing a party?

Recently she was reminiscing about the parties we used to throw when I was a kid. Fourth of July was the big event, but there were also halloween parties and pool parties, political parties, and just about any other excuse for a party... even the "Wizard of Oz on our new Color TV Party". I wonder now if she was thinking of the party store when she was reminiscing?

In any event, it's worthy of a post because it begs the question...

How are you acting... and living... on purpose?

Appreciation Appreciates

2009-09-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

The morning had gone well. There had been some difficult issues to debrief and plenty of good generative discussion as well, but the energy wasn't quite where I wanted it to be for the closing.

I almost always close by moving into a place of appreciation. What I've learned is that all of the worries about the future tend to take a back seat when we are appreciating what we have... as opposed to worrying about what we don't have. It's like when I'm walking on the beach with a friend... we can look toward the shore and the bazillion dollar McMansions and feel bad about what we don't have... or we can look toward the sea... and the waves, clouds and breeze... and reflect on the beauty and the splendor of what we do have. So, I chose appreciation as a way to end the retreat.

Because, at the end of the day, what we appreciate appreciates. It gains value. It gets bigger. It becomes something more.

So the group began to appreciate. One another. Their successes. Their challenges as an opportunity to grow. Their history. Their future. And you know what, the energy shifted and the group grew bigger. Stronger. More alive.

What is it that you appreciate today?

I can't see it

2009-08-13T11:08:00.001-07:00

"But I can't see what that would look like!"

You're right! You can't see the future. All you can do is make up a story of what you think the future will hold. And, in my case, I often make up the wrong story.

I've had the pleasure of climbing some big mountains over the years. One of the things I've come to appreciate is that while you can often see the summit from the trailhead, you can NEVER see the whole trail. And, there is almost always a surprise. I'm thinking of the keyhole on Long's Peak... the hidden notch on Mount Powell... the needles on Whitney... a moment that can't be seen from the trailhead and the only way to experience it is to get your feet on the trail!

So, I'm with a guy the other day and he says "I can't see what it will look like 6 months from now." And, I said, "Of course! All you can do is put your foot on the trail today. What would that look like? What is the risk of stepping forward?"

Onward!

V

Letting Go

2009-07-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

I have this great poem called “Transitions” that talks about how the trapezist must let go of the one trapeze in order to grab onto the next. And, in between, there is a moment where they are holding onto neither but instead flying through air. It’s the same in rock climbing. Often, you have to let go of one hand or foothold and commit to the forward movement in order to reach the next. There’s also the story of the Spanish Explorer who burnt the ships in the harbor once they reached the new world. There was no going back… only forward.

What is it about letting go?

Letting go of long held beliefs or desires. Vigorously staked out positions on an issue. Letting go of what we wanted it to be and embracing what is. I think it is about grieving what isn’t, or hasn’t, or didn’t, or couldn’t. It’s not about fixing a blame or needing to be right… I think it’s about accepting what is and choosing the next step. Because, in the end, every step we take is a choice. And, that choice can be driven by the past or the things we haven’t yet let go of, or it can be driven by the present, and the maturity in which we live in this moment.

A bit esoteric today. Just spent a couple hours surfing with my best friend from college. Reflecting on a 30-year friendship is cool.

So, what do you want to let go of, or accept?

BUSTED

2009-07-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

A while ago I was speaking at a retreat for couples, sharing some clean communication skills and how to clear issues. Only, the issues they were bringing up in practice were, well, bland at best. Nothing juicy. And, I like juicy. I mean, if we’re going to work, let’s WORK!

So, I asked if one of the women would come up front and role play with me. I’ll be the husband coming in from work and have an issue, I said. She said, okay.

And, off I went. Only, I kept going. What was supposed to be a role play all of a sudden was waaaaay tooooo real. I was having a ball! My dark little internal predator was out to play and we were letting this poor woman have it!

She was a little shocked. And then, the other women in the audience came to her defense. “What was that?!?” they cried. I took a step back and breathed.

“You weren’t clearing an issue… you were on the attack!”

The men came to my defense. “What’s the problem?” they said. And the room erupted.

Finally, I was able to restore order and get a word in. “Okay. I’ll own that I was on an emotional roll. There was more going on than just this moment. And, I’ll ask everyone to own your judgments of the scene as just your judgments. I’ll own my part. You own your part, okay? And now... everyone breathe.”

So, here’s the deal. In a nano-second, some old emotional baggage found a crack and leaked out. My internal predator was driving my bus. So, instead of clearing an issue and talking about the emotions involved, my emotions were driving the bus in that moment. It's the difference between "being in" my emotions versus "talking about" my emotional experience.

When I stepped back to breathe, I was able to ask myself “What’s really going on here?” and own it and bring it out into the light. No defensiveness, just curiosity.

Later in the session, we all had a good laugh about how our emotions can sometimes drive the bus. A teachable moment indeed.

The View from Down Under

2009-06-29T19:09:00.000-07:00

In coaching we invite you to "step outside of yourself" and take a detached viewpoint on your life. It's usually an effective way to gain clarity on what's really going on.

Flying halfway around the planet is another way to step out. The view from 7,500 miles looking back on my world is quite different than when I am living in it. I saw a billboard that says... "No leave. No life." So, perhaps this is what "leave"... or vacation... is about: stepping out and giving space to become an observer of my own life.

So, what am I seeing?

Well, it's a mixed bag. I see lots of gratitude, and some sadness. Gratitude for the opportunity to travel, to engage with friends in different cultures, to be alive and able to play and enjoy life. And, sadness... that life hasn't turned out according to the script that was written many years ago... looking at the ways "playing it safe" has trumped exposing a vulnerability or deeper truth. I see a guy with a strong inner critical voice that says "quit feeling so much and just live..." I see a guy that wants to connect in meaningful ways.

So, step out, friends. What would an observer see in your life?

G'Day Mate

2009-06-20T17:25:00.001-07:00

It's true that I can be a surly traveller. First to put on headsets and open a book when I sit down on an airplane. Don't get me wrong here... I'm appropriately polite to all service staff... flight attendants, desk clerks and the like... but don't expect to see me chattin up the folks in the bar.

So, I'm in Australia and everyone knows that Australian's are nice. So, I've decided to try something different. Being nice. Hmm. It works out okay. A friendly chat with an old local and a kid from Jersey (a sovereign island in the English Channel.. who knew?)in the bar last night. Friendly banter in the water surfing this morning.

I'm wondering if we were told that the French were nice would we be nicer when in Paris? I'm wondering how the world would be different if we were just pleasant with one another... less concerned with how someone might talk my ear off on an airplane, or challenge me with differing thoughts or perspectives, or?

What will choosing authentic pleasantness look like today?

Who has the power here?

2009-06-07T12:16:00.001-07:00

Like many others, I sometimes “give away power” in my life. I give away the power to approve me, to validate or affirm my skills, ambitions, desires, dreams. I give away the power to define who I am and what it is that I will do with this life.

Over the years, I have cast different players into the power position. Who they are is less important to me than recognizing that they exist. So, the question for me is often, “who has the power here?”

When I am holding the power, I live in a place of self-definition, of being true to who I was created and wired to be, to the gifts and talents I’ve been given and that have been nurtured through years of success and challenge. When I give away the power, my gaze is on someone else, some other person that I have granted an extraordinary power to define me. Hmm.

The other day, I was speaking with a person I respect about an opportunity that is in front of me. My radar was on high alert because the conversation was invariably going to open up an old wound and remind me of a season in my life where I gave away much of the power to define myself. I asked the guy if he thought the events of that time would preclude me from consideration in this new opportunity. His response puzzled me.

“Well, that’s up to you,” he said.

I didn’t challenge him in the moment, but I listened carefully to his words. “It’s up to me?” It didn't make sense. Hmm.

After a couple days of reflection I began to understand. You see, the deal with giving away power is that it’s all going on inside of me. Not those I’ve given the power to. So, taking back the power to stand and live in the truth of being me is simply a choice that I alone can make. “It’s up to you” makes all the sense in the world.

Act 2 Scene 42: VP from Corporate

2009-06-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

The characters: Business unit executive with direct reports and the VP from corporate…

The scene: VP requests meeting with detailed progress reports from executive and the individual team members. At the meeting, VP is holding a report that no members of the team have seen, asking pointed and specific questions about data that the team was not prepared to answer. One team member admits that they have not focused on the area that the VP is drilling on. Meeting ends silently.

How might they have handled the situation differently?

In the debrief, we laid out the data above plus the story and emotions. The Team sensed that the VP was on a hunt and they were trapped. It was apparent that the VP was acting out of his own stress behaviors… someone had apparently hammered on him about an unrealistic new revenue target to which he had committed, and he was hammering on the team. Fear and anger were rising. Team members were fearful of where it was headed as other layoffs have occurred. Executive was angry that the team was blindsided. The meeting ended with unresolved direction and high tension.

"Huh. Isn’t that interesting?” So, when the group noticed their own emotions coming up… both fear and anger… they might have said…

“I notice that you seem to be focusing on an area that we are unprepared for, and that you don’t really want to talk about the prepared progress reports. What is it that you really want to talk about? What is it that you really want?"

By refocusing the discussion on what it is the VP really wanted, the team may have been able to give the VP a win without losing much. The win would have been getting him the space to clearly state what he wanted and to be heard by the team. My guess is the “real want” in this was some assurances around an unrealistic target. In the process, he may have owned his own fear or anger and gotten to the truth of his own concern that the unrealistic revenue target was indeed unrealistic.

What do you think?

Where are the Dolphins?

2009-05-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

What is it about dolphins playing near the shore that lifts our spirits? I don’t care how bad it is, seeing the dolphins ALWAYS makes things a bit better. My sense is that it is impossible to see the dolphins and not feel joy. And, when we’re feeling joy, we’re not feeling anger, sadness, or fear!

Being confronted with the beauty of nature… the simple pleasure of three dolphins surfing a wave, or playfully breaching, or just slowly cruising by in their daily food run… somehow resets the system for me. It puts me in right relationship with everything. It reconnects me and lifts me out of the morass and says all is well… even when it is difficult.

The dolphins remind me that joy comes when we look outside ourselves and become appreciative. It’s the simple gesture of reaching out to comfort or celebrate another person, reflecting on the divine, taking a deep breath and saying “thanks!’.

What is the Fear?

2009-04-30T16:56:00.001-07:00

Let’s face it: Hidden fear is more powerful than disclosed fear. Pastor Rick Warren, the king of acronyms and alliterations, cites fear as “False Evidence Appearing Real.” And, it’s scary stuff.

So, what resonates for you in this picture? The shark cruising the neighborhood looking for a tasty treat… or the surfer who thought he was simply out for an afternoon of fun? Are you more likely to play a role of villain, or victim? Or, would you be the lifeguard hero on the beach coming to save the day?

The interesting thing about fear is what happens to us when we’re gripped by it. Often, we slip into characters… call them dramatic roles … and play out these scripts that we’ve been playing our whole lives… the man afraid of conflict who “goes small”… the woman afraid of being betrayed who turns into an icy cold emotionless villain… the office manager afraid of losing her sense of worth who saves the day by staying until all hours of the night.

The antidote for hidden fear is to bring it into the light. Disclose it. Own it. Step outside of it and ask, “What’s really going on here?”

So, who are you playing right now?

What Advice Do You Have For Them?

2009-04-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

We were about to wrap up for the day. It had been a tough morning with difficult issues. Out of left field, one of the members said, “Could we spend a few minutes talking about some tactical steps that we need to figure out? Frankly, we don’t know what we should do!”

We didn't have much time, so I invited the whole group to stand up from the couch and come across to the other side of the room for a huddle and then whispered something like…

“So, there’s this group sitting over there on the couch and they don’t know what to do. What advice do you have for them?”

And, guess what? Immediately, ideas began coming forth. Things began to get un-stuck. “Well, they could just…” and pretty soon everyone was building off of the other ideas. When they wound down, I invited them to take a few steps further away and said…

“Okay, now it’s six months from now. The issue that group on the couch was facing has successfully resolved. Where do you think they are now? What have they learned?”

And we talked some more. More ideas. More creativity. And then, I asked, “So, from this place of successful resolution, what words of encouragement do you have for that group on the couch?”

And, out came the most positive, upbeat, “take no prisoners”, “go get ‘em” remarks imaginable!

Will they be successful? I don’t know. But, they sure got some great support from that group standing on the other side of the room!

Whose Voice Was That?

2009-04-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

And then he told me about a spat with his wife the night before. They were visiting one of his construction job sites and his wife had said “Wouldn’t it look better to extend the awning over this whole section?”

He had gone ballistic. “Don’t you know I’ve been working on this design for months and that it is way too late in the process for changes like that?” And on and on. Everyone had retreated into their corners before it was over.

“Huh,” I said. “So, what did you make her comment mean?”

Silence. “Good question. I’ll have to write that down.”

“Well? It sounds like her comment landed in your universe as something more than just her comment. What did it mean to you? What was the message you received?”

“That I’ve fallen short. Didn’t do it right. That I never do things right.”

“Wow. She didn’t say all that. Whose voice was it you heard?”

Silence. “I hate you. It was my dad. I could never do anything right in his eyes.”

“Sounds like you emptied your truck at the wrong dump, huh?”

“Yeah. Thanks. “

“What do you want to have happen now?”

And on it goes…

We've Got Issues

2009-04-10T14:25:00.000-07:00

When people ask me what I do, my response back is often, "Well, what are the issues in your life right now?"

Because that's often what I do... create a pathway for identifying and clearing issues... those things that drain energy from our lives. So, if you have no issues, celebrate! But, if you find yourself feeling stuck, or beat up, or unclear, or out of integrity, or notice that you have lied to protect yourself, or hide, or are confused, or emotionally overwhelmed, or angry, or... well, you get the idea.

Too many times I see groups and people embark upon "solutions" before they have clarified "problems". My hope is to get clear on issues and current conditions... both problems and opportunities... then identify what the desired condition looks like... and then get to work on the solutions.

So, the starting question is almost always, "What are the issues that are draining energy from your life right now?" And then, "What is it you want to have happen?"

Onward!

Vince

It’s Not Safe Here!

2009-04-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

I was debriefing a meeting that I had attended with another guy and he made the comment, “that meeting was totally unsafe.”

Really? I felt very comfortable in my skin, knew what I was about, had clear boundaries. Wouldn’t have judged it “totally unsafe” as he had. But, it was his judgment. His experience. His emotional response, perhaps. And, he didn’t own it that way. To him, “that meeting was totally unsafe.”

Well, there’s a lot of talk about safe and unsafe people. Or, places where I feel safe. Or groups that are safe. “I don’t feel safe with you” is a common statement in relationship.

But then, is “safe” really a feeling, an emotion? Is it Anger? Sadness? Fear? Joy? Huh. Maybe “safe” isn’t so much an emotion as it is a judgment or an observation about what is going on inside of me. So, a good question to get to the root of it would be, “when I judge that I am unsafe, how am I feeling?”

My guess is that the emotion most often connected to safety is fear. I feel fear when I judge that I am at risk of getting hurt- hurt emotionally or hurt physically. So, the clear statement about the meeting might be, “I felt some fear around the possibility of betrayal or loss at that meeting…” or something like that.

And, if “I am feeling unsafe with you”, I might want to own it as, “When I am with you, I feel fear. I make up a story that I might be betrayed in some way because that has happened before. I know it’s just my story, and it’s my feeling of fear…”

When I can own my emotion… in this case fear… I become empowered then to take action, to set a boundary, to take 100% responsibility for what is happening in my life, to step from victim into maturity and to clarify my want… in short, to be me.

50

2009-03-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

Within my circle of friends tomorrow is somewhat late in coming. I’ve been “young” most of my life… graduated from high school at 17, college at 21, married young, executive at 26, CEO at 35, youngest member of my longtime Friday Forum, youngest member of cabinets, boards of directors, and on and on. It’s been easy to play the “young” card most of my life.

And, the calendar pages keep turning! I’m still the youngest in my Friday morning group, still one of the youngest “old men” at the surf point by that name. And yet…

50 may be the new 40… and it is still a worthy benchmark. A moment in time to reflect and recollect.

Thomas Merton, the great contemplative theologian, pondered on “recollecting” ourselves… the time we take to step back, re-group, and re-connect to our greater purposes. Time to get quiet. To grieve that which wants to be grieved and celebrate that which wants to be celebrated. To be present in this moment and all that it has to bring.

As the page turns, I feel content. A few months ago I was sensing a bit of thickness in the waist and put a scale next to the refrigerator… happy to say that it’s holding at 180. I did laps on Mammoth Mountain's Chair 23 the other day and felt playful and alive… back pain is in check. My sense of purpose… what I was created for… has never been more clear. Relationships with my daughters, family, and friends are vibrant, clean. Work is interesting and sometimes surprising.

My desire is to live in the midst of connected family relationships and a worldwide circle of friends… and to fully experience the joys and pain that life brings. To act decisively in alignment with the man I was created to be and the principles and values I hold.

So, that's my check in at 50. What's your check-in today?

Onward!

V

Difficult Conversations

2009-03-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

So, I get asked “How do I approach this difficult conversation?” all the time. Might be about…

…reconciling an estranged relationship…
…broaching a taboo or sensitive subject…
…bringing “bad news”…
…confronting toxic behavior…

Yuck. Wouldn’t it be nice if things just worked out? Well, they do. But, not without some effort. Here’s the structure that I have found works well.

The underlying principle here is to honor your own emotions without being driven by them. In other words, if you’re angry, go beat up a pillow or run some stairs before engaging in the conversation. If you’re fearful, step into a detached position and ask yourself, “what’s really going on here?” and get clean with the fear. And if you’re sad then cry, and then go do something nice for yourself. Once your own emotional wave has begun to subside, you are ready to engage. And, it’s always respectful to ask for permission… “I’d like to bring up a difficult topic. Is now a good time for you?”

Data: Start with the facts in a very “matter of fact” way. Facts are those things that a video camera could record. It’s evidence in the courtroom. And, data is the only thing where agreement is necessary in a difficult conversation.

Story: Figure out the “story you make up” from the relevant set of facts. We all do this, so just own it. For example, “When you show up late, I make up a story that you think I am un-important.”

Emotion: Share your emotional experience, remembering it is best to be able to talk about your emotions as opposed to being driven by them. “I felt angry, and a little afraid.”

Your Part: Consider how you have contributed to the issue and own it too. For example, “I recognize that I could have been clearer about our expected start time.”

Want: Ask yourself what it is you really want for yourself in this conversation. If you are trying to control someone else, you might first want to consider what fear is driving you into a control position and then consider what it is you really want. Often times, what we really want is to just get something off our chest, or to clear the air because our desire is for a clean and authentic relationship.

No matter how someone receives all of this, it’s all your stuff. You are owning yourself and taking 100% responsibility for your emotions, what you make a set of facts mean, your part in the issue, and what you want. All of those are inarguable. No one can tell you “you don’t feel that way”. Sometimes we call these inarguable truths.

So, this is more than a simple post. Frankly, getting clear on this structure and making it a part of my ongoing communication style has changed my life. If you’d like more writing on the topic, post a comment or send me a note (vince@corsarodevelopment.com) asking for “Staying the Course when Things Get Tough.”

Onward!

V

On Reflection

2009-03-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a CEO today. He was sharing how he closed a meeting last week with two of our classic questions…

“What worked well today?”
“What could have been better?”

… and how the folks at the meeting gave him a ration for it. “What did you do with our CEO?” they asked.

Taking a minute to reflect and evaluate sometimes feels awkward. And, it makes us think. It makes us own our experience. It makes us show up. Try it.

The Warrior Move

2009-03-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

It’s one thing to miss a summit due to altitude sickness, or not eating well, or dehydration, or suffering mishap and injury, or being turned back by weather. And, it’s another thing to get back on the trail to do it again.

So, when I wrote about altitude sickness and weather turning me back the first two times on Whitney, and only mentioned actually summiting on the third attempt as a passing remark in the post, I took some heat. John wrote,

“…Trying again for the third time when you knew it would be difficult. Overcoming fear when something had already happened twice. Pushing through in a physically painful state but mentally determined to summit. That was the real story. Was it worth it? What did it mean to you personally to be there at that survey cap? More than the one line you gave it. The three of us knew the risk that any one of us could falter and that the success of the group making the summit could be compromised. Each of us was willing to give up the personal achievement goal for the health and safety of the other two. There was a huge dynamic taking place that day among us…”

Indeed.

From a mythical or archetypal viewpoint, summiting with a team is a warrior move. It’s not the sovereign king, or the mystical magician, or the heartbroken lover that stands at the survey cap. It’s the warrior. Clean action deployed with competence and confidence.

Warrior energy brings together skill, desire, passion, and resolve. Clear goals are accepted. Boundaries and rules are honored. Loyalty is given. The clean warrior is neither savage nor victim. The clean warrior is emotionally aware, efficient, effective... and gets the job done.

Altitude Sickness

2009-02-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

Altitude sickness doesn’t have a linear cause. You can’t say “ah, he was dehydrated and that’s why he got sick…” Altitude sickness hits when the systems are out of whack. It can hit when you’ve climbed too high too fast. It can hit when you haven’t eaten well. Or slept well. Or hydrated well. Or been too stressed leading into the trip. Or “d”, all of the above, or “e” any of the above. That’s just the way of it.

I’ve been hit with it twice. Once on Colorado’s Longs Peak and once on Mount Whitney a few years ago. Both times, I can see the string of reasons behind it. Stress. Insufficient water. Questionable food choices. Didn’t sleep well the night before. Not enough acclimation. On Longs Peak it didn’t hit until the way back down. On Whitney, it hit fast and hard on the way up and forced me to turn back before reaching the summit.

The only cure for altitude sickness is to drop in elevation. In both cases, once I descended below 12,000 feet I lost symptoms within a few minutes. In both cases, I felt like a new man. On Whitney, if the clock hadn’t been against me I would have resumed the upward march.

What I learned after the Whitney hike is that I had suffered a lower back compression fracture in a surfing accident two weeks before. So, not only were my “systems” out of whack, my structure was compromised. My physical body was not able to perform up to expectations. Two little disks that should have been more or less square on the x-ray were somewhat squashed on one side.

The surfing accident is a whole story in itself. I was at an unfamiliar break- Pacific Beach in San Diego- and while paddling into a wave became concerned that it was too big and that I didn’t have the capability to ride it well. By the time I made the decision to pull back I was too far in and ended up getting “sucked over the falls” and slammed on to the shallow sandy bottom. I knew immediately that things weren’t right and managed to get myself out of the water. I was stunned and disoriented but not enough to warrant medical attention on the spot.

The funny thing with that wave was that I would have likely gone uninjured if I had stayed the course and gone with it- another life lesson. Sometimes the risk or downside of pulling back is more then the downside of riding it out.

In any event, I was injured. I spent a few days recuperating, went to the chiropractor (but didn’t get x-rayed), and took it easy. I had already purchased the permits for Whitney and was organizing about ten other guys for the trip and felt obligated to go ahead with it. By the time hike day came around I was still stiff, had a hard time lifting my right leg, and was in varying degrees of pain most of the time. Off I went.

I did complete the Whitney trip this last year with two good friends. It felt good to close that loop.

When things at home or work start to unravel, systems are out of whack, structure is compromised, perhaps it's time to step back and take stock... "What are the contributing factors here?"

Onward!

V

Accountability

2009-02-26T00:20:00.000-08:00

I’ve had a couple of great conversations lately on the subject of accountability and am curious.

To many … “accountability” is something that “I” hold “you” to. In other words, I hold you accountable… for some action or agreement.

Another way to look at accountability is to ask, “Who is it that I hold myself accountable to?” which seems far more accountable!

The idea of accountability is “to account for”… so, as a supervisor or a leader, I might do better to inspire others to hold themselves accountable to me. To account for their actions, their performance, their successes and struggles.

Often times, when we’re talking about new commitments or agreements, we talk about “who will you ask to hold you accountable?” I think the better question is, “who will you hold yourself accountable to?”

What do you think?

What's Showing Up?

2009-02-21T16:50:00.001-08:00

Maybe I am unusual, but there are times when I get really curious about how others perceive me, or what they value about me, or what I bring into their life.

I was skiing a while back with a guy and on the chairlift he shared two great questions that he had asked people within his circle as part of an exercise to gain greater understanding of himself. Here they are:

1. What shows up when I come into the room?
2. What was I doing when you have noticed me most energized, or “in the zone”?

I like both of these because they call me as the answerer into a level of observation that is both unusual and profoundly illuminating! Give it a whirl.

Onward!

V

Get your OARRs in the water

2009-02-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

20 years ago I attended a course on “graphic facilitation”. What stuck for me was the idea of “OARRs”… as in, the things that need to get back in the water when group performance flags. I’d give credit to the instructors of the course, but I have no idea 20 years later who they are… so please forgive me. Pressing on…

All relationships and all groups have issues. We can hide, ignore, or deny it. Or, we can address them. An issue is anything that drains energy from the relationship or the group. The OARRs acronym provides a simple tool for where to look FIRST to plug the drain and get back on track.

Outcomes: Are we clear on the desired outcomes in this relationship? For this group? Where are we headed? What’s important here? Why are we together? How does this current behavior move us toward our desires?

Agenda: Is there clarity on what we are doing and when? Is the calendar a moving target or an agreed upon plan? How are we doing? Are there competing or unstated agendas?

Rules: Have we clarified guidelines and expected behaviors with one another? For example, have we defined what “on time” looks like? Have we defined “confidentiality”? Are we clear on how we expect to treat one another?

Roles: Is this a one-person-does-all group or relationship? What other roles are defined? What agreements are in place? How are we each taking 100% responsibility for our part in the relationship? Our role in the group?

I could come up with a dozen more questions. The Big Idea here is that too often when groups start to disintegrate we want to find a villain or a scapegoat or someone to blame. Getting our OARRs back in the water gives us a tool to look at the systems and structure that might be contributing to our downfall.

Onward!

V

NOTE: Within 8 hours of posting this, I learned that Dave Sibbett of Grove Consultants International in San Francisco (www.grove.com) was the originator of the OARRs idea. So, thanks Dave!

What's Really Going on Here?

2009-02-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago a friend electronically introduced me to a woman and suggested that we meet for coffee. I called her and left a message. She called me back and left a message. I sent her a note asking if it would be okay to just use email to schedule. She said yes and after a couple rounds we agreed on a date, time, and place. Her confirming note said “let’s remind each other the day before…” which was about two weeks from then.

So, the day before, in between a flight and a dinner meeting, I dropped her a quick note confirming the meeting time for the next day.

I arrived home at midnight to a blistering email from her that my lack of communication in the intervening 10 days was unacceptable and offensive, cold, business like and well short of the target if I was hoping to meet the “woman of my dreams”. Yikes!

Two old tapes immediately began to roll… “Vince, you don’t love well,” and “If a woman is upset, you must have done something wrong.” But then, I stopped. And took a breath.

“What’s really going on here?”

And then, some new tapes began to roll… “Huh. Isn’t it interesting that she has found that my way of communicating doesn’t work for her. Certainly happy to discover that sooner than later!” It was one of those “just because she has said I screwed up doesn’t mean I screwed up…” moments.

The long and short of it is that I sent her a brief note back affirming her desire to connect with a guy who communicates in a certain way, and that my choice was to pass on any effort to “make it right” as she had offered. It wasn’t about her being right and me being wrong, or vice versa.

What’s the learning?

When we notice that the old tapes are beginning to roll… for whatever reason… it’s almost always a good opportunity to stop and take a look at the data. To move from the story we start to make up and the emotion of the moment and instead look at the recordable facts and the inarguable truths. To look for our part in the dynamic. To discover the interesting nugget. To get curious and load up a new tape grounded in maturity and choice.

Onward!

V

Rest

2009-02-12T08:16:00.000-08:00

Yikes. I just finished 7 back to back retreats and 1:1 coaching visits in 7 days, including three full days of Colorado bumps, groomers and a little powder. I’m whupped.

“So, Vince, what would rest look like?”

A late morning and coffee in my jammies. Wander a bit on the keyboard. Workout later... perhaps a run on the beach if the weather cooperates. Clean out the moldy fridge and restock. Dinner tonight with a good friend to unpack and debrief.

Thanks for asking!

On Appreciation

2009-02-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

I just finished an Executive Team Retreat. I love this group and have been walking with them for a couple of years. I was asking myself, “What is it that I appreciate about this team?”

I appreciate their willingness to go personal. The team has adopted the notion that we’re all just folks and there just isn’t any shame in the rough and tumble realities of life.

I appreciate their willingness to go vulnerable. It’s okay to acknowledge a weakness. It’s okay to say that something isn’t “great”. It’s okay because they are willing to hold themselves accountable- which is far more effective than being held accountable. You know what I mean?

I appreciate their willingness to appreciate. It happens spontaneously.

They’ve done the heavy lifting of building authentic relationships. They know that the sun comes up tomorrow even if an agreement has been broken or results are disappointing. They know that the road to success has setbacks and challenges. They know what they want and are getting it.

Onward!

V

It's Just Dinner

2009-02-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

My dad just checked in to a Skilled Nursing Facility last week. He’s been on the decline for about five years. It's a nice place. New. Clean. Engaged staff.

There’s a new facility manager that started the same day. On Friday, I got there while they were serving dinner and the staff member put a typical hospital tray on the table with a "here's your dinner!" and then she went to the next person. On Saturday, I also got there while they were serving dinner and instead of dropping the tray, she unloaded the plates and glasses on to the table and said “they want us to lay everything out now…”

So, the story I’m making up is that the new manager had come forth with a new edict and the frontline was going to (somewhat begrudgingly) comply. They were told what they were to do and they were doing it.

My desire as a leader is to build ownership over compliance. Better that the staff had spent the few minutes to talk about… “What is the atmosphere we desire in the dining room?” “How might we create that?” "What are some other options?" “Are we in agreement?”

When I tell someone what to DO, I might get compliance. When I invite someone to provide leadership toward an agreed upon outcome, a new owner is born.

Onward!

V

The Top Ten Most Annoying Things CEOs Say

2009-01-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

I’ve interviewed and coached hundreds of people who don’t sit in the CEO chair. And here are the completely un-scientific results of the CEO behaviors that annoy them most.

1. “It’s true because I said it’s true.” (Sometimes called the “unsupported assertion”)
2. “That sounds just like what we did in 1970…let me tell you about it…” (yawn.)
3. “I am the best damn ____ there ever was!” (Who cares?)
4. “Why don’t you do it this way…” (best way to promote either defensive behavior or employee mindlessness)
5. “I always invite discussion… after I’ve offered my thoughts.” (Everyone knows that discussion ends when the CEO opens their mouth… except CEO’s).
6. “Let’s go to lunch.” (Isn’t it interesting that it’s the same people that go every time?)
7. “I’m sure you meant well, but…” (Just say what’s on your mind)
8. “Hey, got a minute?” (Actually no, because I’m working on an impossible deadline…”)
9. “Wouldn’t it be great if…” (I’m still working on your last great idea…)
10. “So, I think so-and-so is upset about something… could you do a little digging for me…” (Great. Now I get to be the rat. Deal with your own issues!).

I can poke at the CEO underbelly because I’ve been one. And, I also believe that we are all CEO’s of our own lives and within our own circle of influence… so the list really applies to all. What would you add?

And, a good question for all of us might be… “What would a wise CEO say (or do) in this situation?”

Seasons

2009-01-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

Like many families, we are navigating the transitions that come with aging parents.

Last week, several of us gathered for a family meeting to discuss my dad’s transition from home into a care center.
He has been on an Alzheimer-like slide for several years and today is almost fully dependent on others for routine care. It isn’t an easy discussion.

My young-adult daughters and their 16-month old cousin were both there, along with my dad’s wife and two of my brothers, plus my younger brother’s wife. I liked the generational involvement. This isn’t something to be kept hushed up for just the “adults”. It’s a family thing.

It’s no surprise that I am sensitive to the emotional experience for each of us. In turns, I felt sad and tender. I felt compassion toward my dad’s wife of 23 years. I felt a certain joy that my daughters were able to contribute and participate. I felt proud of my older brother taking a mature leader posture. I was struck by the lack of discord and the abundance of care and concern.

On the drive home, my daughters and I processed things a bit more. I asked “what came up for you?” in the discussion and was impressed by their awareness and thoughtfulness.

It’s an unfolding story.

I’m Fine

2009-01-19T10:17:00.000-08:00

A friend just landed in Mumbai for a month of training to fly for their national airline. He’s been a pilot his whole career but for a technical rule around age he can no longer fly for an American company. But that’s not the story here.

We’re chatting on Skype like we were across town. He’s talking about the masses of humanity living in squalor… like scenes from the current sleeper hit “Slumdog Millionaire…” and about his hotel being in the middle of nowhere, and the company being somewhat less than efficient, and the omnipresent layer of dirt. So, how’s it going? “Fine…” he says.

Well, in my world, “fine” is about as bad as it gets. It’s one of those words that if it means anything, it’s bad. Kind of like “good”... it’s a word that communicates nothing. So, I shifted gears…

“How’s your state of mind right now?”

“Ha! So, you just clicked into work mode!”

Accusation accepted. And, I really wanted to know. I could sense his discomfort.

“Well, I’m apprehensive. I’m unsettled. I don’t know how this is all going to work out.”

Now we’re getting somewhere!

It’s too bad that we’re so conditioned to answer with words that mean nothing. “Good”, “Fine”, “Great”, “Better”, and a dozen others are simply throwaways if you ask me. They’re only worthwhile when you run into someone at the grocery store and don’t want to engage.

If my desire is authenticity in relationships (and it is), perhaps then it is useful to come up with words that actually mean something... “Apprehensive.” “Unsettled.” “Afraid.” “Tender.” “Excited.”

So, How’s it going?

Our deepest Fear

2009-01-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

Change is a tricky thing. We say we want it, but there is something that keeps us from doing it.

I was with a management team doing a workshop on change and commitment. Someone said they would like to shed a few pounds (30% of all people in all groups I work with say this, so no one’s identity is at risk here) but haven’t been able to do it.
As we worked through the change process questions, this individual gave me a gem.

When I asked, “What’s at risk for you to change and make a new commitment?”, they said…

“Because if I really made that change, it would shake my belief that I can never change. It would mean that I am better than I think I am. It would mean I wouldn’t be able to use “I can’t change” as an excuse in anything anymore.”

WOW! I was stunned. What a wonderful piece of awareness. It reminded me of the very famous Nelson Mandela quote… “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…” Indeed.

Why Did You Do That?

2009-01-14T16:45:00.000-08:00

"Because I thought it would work"
"Because I’m an idiot!"
"Because you didn’t give me the tools I needed to do it differently!"

Defend, defend, defend. That’s what happens when we ask someone… “Why?” And, defending ourselves, or our actions, is good for a low-learning trip into the rat hole. So, what’s the option? How about any of these…

“What did you learn?”
“What options did you consider?
“How might you do it differently next time?”
“How’s that working for you?”

I’m with a CEO these days who is entrenched in the “why?” question.

“Why don’t you work harder?”
“Why didn’t you do it this way?”
“Why are you so emotional?”

In observing his behavior, my sense is that some of the “why?” questions come from the critical voices firing off in his own head. But, I’ll save that for another day.

Suffice it to say that “What?” and “How?” questions tend to lead us to a place of high-learning curiosity. And, that’s good for a trip out of the rat hole.

Onward!

V

What Do You See?

2009-01-08T21:07:00.000-08:00

A friend met up with a group of young people who lived in a densely populated urban area and joined them on a visit to a nearby undeveloped island... where grasses and trees and dirt and rocks dotted the landscape.

On their visit, they came upon a small beach area that had been formed where a creek came from the mountain top through the canyons and met the ocean. The beach was littered with driftwood, rocks, some branches and twigs that had been carried down by the seasonal flow of the creek. There were also the remnants from other visitors who had been to the same spot- empty soft drink bottles, food wrappers, a cracked Frisbee and some other man-made debris.

“Do you see this?” my friend asked. “Would you be willing to help clean up this area?” The group willingly complied and set out to the task.

A few minutes later, my friend returned to see what the group had accomplished. There, in the middle of the beach was a growing pile of driftwood, rocks, branches and twigs. And, remaining scattered throughout the area were empty soft drink bottles, food wrappers, and the cracked Frisbee.

Perhaps, a better question may have been, “What do you see?”

It’s interesting to me that two people can witness the same car accident and give different versions of the facts. When I invite someone to share “what do you see?” I am living in a place of curiosity and wonder. I am living in a place of adventure… because you might see things differently than me. And, that’s cool!

Monuments and Stepping Stones

2009-01-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

The other day a friend was lamenting the loss of his company three years ago. He had been "#1" in his field and was very well respected. The problem was that the landscape changed, the needs of the marketplace changed, and the need for what his company provided changed.

Things change. We lose things that are dear to us.

He went on to ponder… “It seems to me that sometimes we can use an experience as a stepping stone to something new and better, and other times we make experiences- both good and bad- into monuments that hold our gaze and keep us trapped in “what was...”

After chewing on it a bit more, it became clear that my desire is to create more stepping stones... “What did I learn?” “What worked well?” “What might I do different next time?” Celebrate the accomplishment and grieve the loss if that’s what it was... and move on.

We all get stuck at times gazing at our monuments. I get stuck. “None of us are as good or as bad as our reputations suggest…” comes to mind. And, when we’re stuck, we can ponder on "How might I turn that monument into a stepping stone?".

What do you think?

Clear and Clean?

2008-12-29T08:43:00.001-08:00

We’re born with an innate connection between desire and action. We want something and we act to get it. Clear desire (food). Clean action (cry).

So, what changes?

Along the way, we learn things. We feel things. We get hurt. We hear messages and believe them… “you don’t really want that…” or “you really aren’t good enough for that…”. We then learn to do things that appear to avoid the hurt as we seek to get what we want. Then, we learn that we don’t always get what we want, and sometimes that turns into not knowing what we want so that we won’t be hurt and disappointed if we don’t get it. Sound at all familiar?

My sense is that our thoughts (or beliefs, opinions, judgments) and our feelings (anger, sadness, joy, fear) over time begin to cloud the circuit, or the path, between clear desire and clean action. So what we end up with is a confusing mass of false beliefs and unresolved emotions that have been stored up over the years invading the clarity of the present moment. We avoid situations out of fear, we over-react out of past hurts, our short-fused anger bludgeons a loved one over spilt milk, or we delude or medicate ourselves into a Pollyanna sense of perpetual happiness.

So, if it’s working for you, keep it. And, if you’re at a point where it’s not working then… “What do you want to have happen?” and then, “What’s the risk for you to have that happen?”

Because, if there wasn’t a risk involved, then you would have likely gotten it long ago.

When you decide the risks are worth it… ask for help. There is no reason to go it alone… and the simple process of asking for the help of a trusted guide may be just the dose of vulnerability that is needed to begin the journey.

Onward!

V

What would Vince say?

2008-12-28T10:24:00.000-08:00

A friend is stepping up to the principal position at a school where she has taught for many years. She’s acutely aware of the wide assortment of dysfunctional and unproductive behaviors in the team and is anxious to jump in.

In a note, she said, “I’ve been thinking, I need Vince to come give an in-service and start the ball rolling in the right direction. Then I remember that I have been to the school of Vince and I have already started the ball rolling.”

Tough for business, but how cool is that?

I’ve talked before about the “LA Times Test”… as in… “Would you want the thing you’re about to do published on the front page?” Now, we’ve got the “Vince Test”… as in… “What would be the next step in moving us to a more authentic and clean relationship?”

I can live with that.

Onward!

V

The Empty Chair

2008-12-22T10:34:00.001-08:00

In a small group, an empty chair is a symbol of openness to the possibility of a new member. It can also mean that the group is “holding space” for an absent member.

There is something too about the picture of the empty chair… in a place of incredible beauty… that draws me in… and says… "Come, sit here. Be at home. Rest."

Yesterday, the girls and I had some friends over for brunch at the beach. It was a photo-perfect day of California blue sky sunshine. After everyone left and the dishes were done, I rested in this chair for a bit and simply breathed in the joyful feeling of the moment. The joy of good friends, family, and food. The joy of a brief pause in the midst of all the chaos of life. The joy of creation.

May you find peace and joy in your heart today.

Onward!

V

The Two Hour Vacation

2008-12-20T22:52:00.000-08:00

I was filling in for a COO on maternity leave and her staff were complaining about the loss of personal time, fun, playfulness, and enjoyment in their lives. I encouraged them to take a 2-hour vacation. Later, I heard back from their boss that I had told them all to leave work at 3:00pm every day. Oh well. Actually, it would probably improve productivity the rest of the week.

So, what’s your 2-hour vacation?

Try wearing your favorite clothes (nicest, most stylish, comfortable, the ones that make you feel good), to do something recreational (artistic, playful, adventurous, fun, explorational, out-of-the-ordinary) at a place you’ve never been (or at least don’t go to very often), with yourself or those you like to be with.

I was a recreation major back in the day. And, over the years I have buried that under “Executive”, “Director”, “Dad”, and all kinds of other labels in life. What I’ve come to learn is the world needs more people who know how to recreate well! I’ve been practicing the last couple of years, learned a lot, and it’s time to put it out there for the benefit of others.

All of us are worth the good stuff. It is how we connect with our Creator. We are wired to be joyful. Not just happy in the moment, but full of joy no matter what the circumstances. And, as we experience joy, we bring that to the world in ways that serve all.

Our joy comes when we connect to our genius or essence… that moment when we say to ourselves and the world “This is me and it’s good!”… When I was learning how to lead games or construct tournament ladders who knew that what I was really learning was that as we were created joyfully, we can and will be re-created as we experience joy. So, take two hours and get playful. Recreate and bring joy… Joy to the World.

If it’s Working For You… Keep it.

2008-12-13T20:21:00.000-08:00

People find me when they want change. When something isn't working. They've tried perhaps, and found that change is hard work. If it wasn’t, they would have changed long ago.

I also find that while we say we want change, there is something about the way things are that serves us. Again, if there wasn't, we would have changed long ago.

Change requires conquering the gravitational pull of "same". Change often comes when we aren't looking, or when everyone around us has stopped telling us to change. It comes when we feel safe enough to embrace what it is we really want and open ourselves up to the possibility that it might really be achievable... that we have the competence, the capacity, the autonomy and the guts frankly, for change to happen.

A friend recently sent me this 60-second video clip. It didn’t surprise me that he did... because he is one of those guys who embraces change and what it means to make the world a better place. I hope it will inspire you to ponder what it is that you are striving for in this world. What is the ultimate difference you will make for having consumed more than your fair share of the resources of our planet?

By the way… defining the difference you want is called VISION. So, a simpler question might be… “What is your vision?”

Onward!

V

When Good People Stay

2008-12-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

Something happens in forums, groups, and work teams when we up the game to a higher level of authenticity and clear communication. Toxic people leave. And, other people thrive.

I suppose that’s how we want it. And, in the short run, it can be chaotic and highly charged. Is it okay that these people left?

… the longtimer when cleanly confronted with some controlling behaviors views the confrontation as an attack, and storms out with threats of lawsuits and recriminations…

… the member who “keeps it on the surface” and puts down anyone with shortcomings, in a group that exists to support members through the muck and mire of real life…

…the moody genius, accustomed to all bowing to his emotional whims…

As tough as it is in the moment, the long term results bear out the truth. Toxic people drain energy and reduce productivity of the group. In their own pain they hurt others. Their addictions unduly influence decisions. They rarely accept responsibility for their part.

No one can afford to carry dead weight… let alone tug boats pushing the wrong direction.

Toxic people... those who drain, hurt, and abuse... require professional intervention or the firmest of boundaries. Most groups are not equipped to provide this kind of structure and support, and waste valuable resources trying to accomodate or rescue the individual.

The most productive teams… the ones where good people stay and thrive… are those that share not only a common vision and purpose, but also a commitment to candor and curiosity… an individual willingness to own my part in the system, to speak my truth, and to hold myself accountable for results.

If the level of relational authenticity and interaction is working, then keep it. If not though, the good question might be... So, what do you want to have happen?

Hollywood and Vine

2008-12-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

The other night I was camping with a buddy at the intersection of Hollywood and Vine in the Anza Borrego desert. It was a quick one-night turnaround with a couple nice rides on our mountain bikes, a soak at the Agua Caliente Hot Springs, a bottle of wine watching the stars come out and of course a dose of waxing philosophic. Quite enjoyable.

There’s something about getting out and having fun in the desert that brings me closer to me. Maybe it’s the lack of distraction, the warmth, the bigness of the expanse, the simple living. I like it.

I spend a lot of time with people and organizations wanting to get closer to themselves. Closer to their essence. Their genius. That thing that they were created for. Not just what they were created TO DO, but the thing they were CREATED FOR.

Several years ago I was doing some soul searching (what a shock!) and asked a few colleagues “So, what do you think my purpose is?” Brian, a good friend on the east coast, responded back, “Your purpose is to remind us of our purpose.” I liked that.

Finding our essential purpose, our reason for being, our “WHY DO I EXIST?” is one of "The Three Big Questions Everyone Asks Sooner or Later", according to my friend Dave Phillips who wrote the book by that name.

And, I believe one of the ways we connect with our sense of “creation” is through “RE-creation”… or more simply stated… having fun. There’s a lot more to it (perhaps), but just as we were uniquely created, I believe that we reconnect by being re-created… by stripping away the “must-do” list, the entertainments and electronics, and all the other distractions and simply enjoying ourselves. For an organization this might look like celebration or taking a deep breath to reflect and take in the good, as opposed to solely focusing on the challenging.

There’s a lot more to this. Books have been written in fact! But for today… a good question might be “Why do you exist?”

Onward!

V

Permission to Paint

2008-12-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

Driving I-5 to San Onofre for an afternoon surf session with a friend stuck in the midst of some marital challenges. Heck. Marital meltdown.

I asked him, “So, before you try to re-connect with your wife, how about if you re-connect with yourself? When do you simply enjoy being you?”

Silence. (Very common. Guys typically don’t have a clue with this one). And then, “You know, I used to love to paint.”

Ah Ha! “Get off the freeway at the next exit!”

Just off the I-5 at Pico in San Clemente is a cool Art Center that sells good quality watercolor materials. We spent under $30 and set him up with a paint board, some nice paper, decent paints, and a selection of brushes. And once again, he was a painter.

A few days later, I got a call. “I just spent a couple hours painting and can’t tell you how good it feels. I know it seems simple, but it feels like… like… somehow taking the few minutes to do something for me opened up some room for me to serve my wife. Thanks.”

Well said.

When Emotion Shows Up Tactical Work Stops

2008-12-01T00:23:00.001-08:00

I spend a lot of time coaching people on navigating emotion. And, it always cracks me up when I find myself doing something I teach others to do.

So, last winter, I was in a well-known sporting goods store buying a new pair of ski boots. I had demo’d a pair and was ready to buy. At the cash register, the price rang up as $35 more than the “sticker”. “What’s up with that?” I asked.

“It’s for the special footbed we put in the boot.”

“Huh. That’s interesting, because it wasn’t disclosed that the boot I demo’d was a different price.”

“We’ll take out the footbed then.”

“But that wouldn’t be the boot I demo’d then, would it?”

At this point, the guy launched on me and began a tirade along the lines of me trying to steal something from the store. I noticed my own Italian blood starting to get hot and I took a breath. And then, I followed my own advice… “when emotion shows up… tactical work stops.”

“Huh. I notice that I am starting to feel angry right now and that you seem very agitated to me.”

“You’re damn right I’m agitated! And blah blah blah.”

I stood silently watching him unload. You see, by noticing my own emotion, and then noticing him, I was able to detach and become an observer of the scene. And, I was very clear that I was only going to buy the boots for the listed price, and that the footbeds would be included as demo’d.

Once he had worked himself down, I asked “So, where are we?”

“Alright. You can have them for the listed price.”

Thank you.

Where’d You Learn That?

2008-12-01T00:20:00.000-08:00

Glenn is one of those guys who is just fun to be with. I feel special when I am with him. He’s a New Yorker with a flair for good food and a good joke. And, he’s a great skier. He’s also a developer and coach. We were talking the other day.

He says to me, “Just ‘Name the Shame’… You know… the part of you that you think is broken.” Sounds simple.

“I have this sense that I am too self-centered. “

“Oh really? Where’d you learn that?”

Well, that stopped me in my tracks. What a great question! “Where’d you learn that?”

Just try it! Think of something bothersome that you believe about yourself. And then, ponder on where you learned that belief. Because, guess what? It’s probably FALSE. Or at the very least, it’s based on some old paradigm, some old identity, some old stuff. When I look at my old tapes, one of the things I see is times that “taking care of me” landed in my universe as “you’re being self-centered” and worse yet, “you don’t love well.” As I re-frame that today, I can see that taking care of me is what empowers me to fully love others.

When I get hold of where I learned a false belief, I can put it into proper perspective and then choose a new belief. And, I learned that from Glenn.

My Story and I’m Sticking To it

2008-11-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

I recently presented the results of an Employee Satisfaction Survey to a 75 member leadership team. 50% of the Managers themselves had responded to the survey. Before presenting any results from the survey, I asked… “What does it mean that 50% of you in this room completed the survey?”

“Those who didn’t respond didn’t think it would make a difference.”
“They were busy with other duties.”
“They didn’t think anything would change as a result.”
“They didn’t care.”

In truth, we don’t know what it means. All we really know... from the data… is that 50% responded. Everything else is only what it means to me! And, that’s my story… or my opinion, my assessment, my judgment.

Important? I think so. The ability to recognize and articulate the difference between DATA… “50% responded”… and STORY… “The others were busy” is the mark of a clean and clear communicator.

You see, data is just data. It’s what a video camera can record. Dragnet’s Joe Friday “Just the facts Ma’am”. It’s the only thing we need agree on in most discussions. And, everything else is my story, my feelings, my desires… my stuff. I can own all my stuff. I can’t own data. So, the mature, effective, clear communicating leader separates data from everything else.

“The facts are that 50% responded. The story I make up from that data is that others didn’t respond for a number of reasons… competing priorities, lack of care, apathy. What are your thoughts?”

What is the story you’re making up from the data in your life?

This Has No Place in the Work Place

2008-11-24T10:13:00.003-08:00

Early in a recent retreat, while teaching Clear Talk and Issues Clearing…two tools that are part and parcel of virtually everything I do… a high-powered CEO stated “This is all well and good here at this retreat, but it has no place in the work place.”

My response… “Interesting comment. Are you willing to own that as your opinion… your judgment?”

Ha! “If I were an employee of his, I would have just been fired…” was the story I started to make up. It was clear that he was unaccustomed to being challenged in this way.

Unfortunately, my experience with too many CEO’s is that the “un-owned assertion” is to be viewed as Truth (with a capital “T”) if it comes from their position at the top of the food chain. Hmm. I don’t buy it.

In truth, it was his opinion. And, I respect it as such. Just his opinion at that moment in time. After an initial sputter, he came back with a clear “yes” to my question. We moved on.

Interestingly, he called me three days after the conclusion of the retreat. “I was wrong”, he said. “I came back and first thing Monday morning shared the Issues Clearing Model with my team. It was a hit. Thanks for pushing back and asking me to own my judgment. It gave me the space to become curious and consider a different point of view.”

“I was wrong…” Maybe that’s one reason he’s worth millions.

What judgments do you make that you might want to own as simply your judgments?

Surf's Up, Dude

2008-11-24T10:13:00.001-08:00

At the conclusion of a Forum retreat, the Moderator offered to give me a ride to the airport. It gave us a few minutes to casually debrief.

“You know,” he said, “you wear your laid back southern California surfer persona pretty well.”

Yikes! My surfer persona?!? Pray tell.

“It comes up when you feel pressured to perform, perhaps because we were a new group with you, or perhaps because you were afraid we were going somewhere you didn’t want to go. It’s a cool character.”

Now, I teach that mature leaders treasure feedback whenever and wherever they can get it, regardless of how it is delivered. But, this was a challenge. I guess I really am subject to the same stuff as everyone else! When I begin to feel afraid of something, my personas show up. I step into drama. I just hadn’t been introduced quite so clearly to my “surf dude.”

Thanks, I said. I appreciate you noticing that, and more than just noticing, I appreciate you sharing it with me. I began to wonder about what was really going on when surf dude shows up. And with that curiosity I began to step out of drama and into the maturity of simply being me.

Who is showing up on your stage?

The Emotional Journey

2008-11-24T10:07:00.000-08:00

My journey these days is often about being quiet, listening in the stillness, and becoming more and more aware of the emotions inside of me. And, sometimes I’m explosive and angry, or playful, and sometimes I am in the pure joy of the moment. A great friend once tried to explain to me that “emotions aren’t linear and will not be figured out…” It’s taken a while for that one to sink in. There is no such thing as a “bad” emotion. I celebrate anytime I feel anything- because it means I’m not severed off at the neck. It means I’m alive.

It’s interesting to me how many people struggle over feeling emotion- and especially feeling anger. We’re taught to be nice, and dutiful, and civil, and all the rest but not really taught how to be angry. And for those who work in ministry or other service the challenge is great- the challenge to find appropriate places and ways to explode and blow off steam. Over the years, I’ve taken to the batting cages as a physical expression of explosion. It’s pretty clean- no one gets hurt. It’s was a necessary starting point for me to connect with what was going on inside amidst all the chaos. Getting in touch with the anger inside and working it out was important to me- because it came out one way or another anyway. My goal now is to stay in touch with however I feel. If I’m down today, then I’ll feel down. If I’m up today, then I’ll feel up. Either way, my desire is to celebrate the moment, feel it, surrender it, and know that I won’t always feel this way.

What emotions do you allow in your life? What emotions do you avoid?